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“You can only lose what you cling to.”
-Buddha
Letting go of the past
The past can be a powerful force in our lives. It can motivate us to work harder. It helps us to avoid making the same mistakes again. It teaches us what we want to get out of life (and what we don’t want to get out of it). The past can provide the foundation for so many good things that take both time and effort, and prepares us for the next challenge that comes our way.
But what about when the past is painful, and we can’t stop thinking about the bad memories or how we’ve been wronged? How do we let go of past hurts and move forward with our lives?
Often we get caught up in a vicious cycle where thoughts of one past hurt follow closely on the heels of thoughts of another past hurt. Our minds get trapped in an endless succession of thoughts where we focus on how someone or something hurt us, and how it’s similar to how this other person hurt us, or similar to this other event that occurred, and that maybe we’re destined for a lifetime of endless hurt and pain. Maybe there’s something just wrong with us and we’re the problem. We scour our minds for our wrongdoings, hyper focusing on what we should have done differently, what they should have done differently, and we play the blame game where everyone is at fault.
Dealing with past hurts is often more painful than the actual hurt itself. The question you have to ask yourself though, is: do you really want to continue this cycle of thinking and living in the past, and focusing on all the things that you wish you could change? Or do you want to move forward and grow from your painful past, and become a better, stronger person for it?
If you picked the latter (and I’m sure you did), then you’ve already got what you need to start your next, better chapter: a positive attitude. Read on to learn how you can let go of your painful past and bad memories, and finally feel the freedom to start living your life unburdened by your past.
How to let go of the past and move forward
1. Stop blaming others. Playing the victim is a quick and easy route to take when we relive the past in our minds. It rationalizes the decisions we made. It helps us to make sense of the confusion. And it removes any guilt. But what could you have done differently in the past? What’s something you can do differently in the future to avoid similar circumstances? Take some time to reflect on your own behaviors and be honest with yourself.
2. Stop the story in your mind. Many times when we get upset and focus on the past, we relive the story of what happened. Can you believe he did that to me? I’ll never trust anyone again! We find ourselves trapped and chained by the pain of that story, and we revisit the emotions from the past. Sticky thoughts like this that can’t seem to go away must be released from your mind if you want to let go of the past and live in the present. The moment your mind hits “play” on that story, stop it right away. Shift your focus and attention to something else, and distract yourself from the painful memory. With time, your brain will actually become trained to focus more on the positive thoughts rather than the negative.
3. Learn to forgive those who hurt you. When someone hurts us, the last thing we want to do is forgive them. After all, it’s like letting them win! However, forgiving others who have wronged us is one of the most crucial steps you can take to move forward from your painful past. Does this mean that we need an apology first to forgive them? Nope! Identify what they did that really hurt you and reflect on that. Instead of reliving the hurt and anger it caused you, let go of that anger and hurt and show compassion towards them.
4. Focus on the present. You’re here now, and not in the past, so why should you keep living like you are? Nothing will ever change the past, but you can change what you do today and tomorrow. Use your past as a way to better shape your present and future. What did you learn from it? How are you stronger? Use these qualities to live a better life, and choose to do the things that make you happiest.
5. Find an outlet for expressing yourself. While we all wish we had an on-call therapist for moments where we get trapped in the past, it just isn’t possible or realistic. Be your own therapist and practice self-care by finding your own outlet to express yourself. Maybe you like to paint or play piano. Or maybe you have a wonderful friend that will patiently listen to you when you need someone to talk to. Another effective tool to express yourself is to journal. Get all your feelings and emotions out onto the page, and you’ll instantly feel lighter by seeing your internal thoughts on a physical page. Journaling your thoughts can be a very effective and rewarding way of finding inner peace amidst the turmoil.
6. Make a mini-bucket list for the next month. Replace your old, bad memories with new, exciting ones. While you don’t have to start ticking off every item on your bucket list right away, what items can you tick off in the next month? Have you always wanted to learn how to salsa dance? Sign up for a class! Have you been wanting to travel to a new city? Book a long weekend trip! Remove the clutter of the older memories in your mind and free up space for newer, better memories.
7. Evaluate your own life perspective. When you think of the future, do you have dismal, negative thoughts? Or do you jump with excitement? How can you be more positive in your everyday life? Find ways to be more positive in your everyday life, and refresh your perspective.
8. Focus on the people that really matter. Often when we’ve been hurt in the past by someone, we hyper focus on the person or people that hurt us, and give more attention to them than we should. Instead, focus on the people that really matter to you, the ones that have been good to you. Life is too short to waste your time and thoughts on the people that don’t treat you well, so shift your attention to the ones that do, and let them be a part of your life instead.
