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The paradox of kindness
Knowing that you’re being taken advantage of may be one of the single worst feelings you ever experience. What started out as a nice, thoughtful gesture on your part quickly turns into a one-sided, manipulative relationship with someone else.
They don’t just demand your help or generosity, they expect your endless kindness and efforts, but without ever offering or intending to reciprocate.
Kindness isn’t practiced enough in this world, and the few that do practice it consistently are quick to get abused and taken advantage of.
Which is why it’s no surprise that so many people hesitate to reach out and help others. After all, what’s the point in giving others an inch when they’ll take a mile?
We’re taught that it’s the right thing to do to be kind and generous, and yet we’re the ones that others use to get ahead, and doing the “right thing” often ends with us getting hurt and feeling used.
We extend kindness to others out of habit, but then we realize just a tad too late that we’ve been taken advantage of.
I had a friend that repeatedly and shamelessly used me to her own advantage.
I had just finished up my master’s program and was so relieved to not have to do homework again. A few weeks into my new job and newfound freedom from school, a friend that I rarely heard from (except when she wanted something) began texting me nonstop. She had just started her master’s program, and she was feeling overwhelmed by the homework and demands of her professors.
Having just finished my own master’s program and finally being forever finished with homework, helping someone else do their homework didn’t sound all that great. However, I wanted to help this friend out and do the right thing by her.
I was hopeful at first that maybe she wanted to reconnect with me. After all, we had known each other for years and we hadn’t really caught up in some time. But she had no interest in me, and without even a “Hi” or “How are you?” via text, she quickly jumped into giving me orders.
At first, she just wanted some help editing her papers. I would look over her work, make a few suggestions, and send it back. But my role as her “friend” continued expanding. It wasn’t odd for me to get a text in the middle of the working day saying,
“I’m really struggling. Can you talk right now? I need help ASAP.” Or if I didn’t respond right away,
“Have you gotten my texts from earlier? I need you to do (insert task here).”
I grew increasingly frustrated. She had been essentially absent for the last several years, and now she wanted to talk to me only because she needed help with her master’s program.
After a few weeks of this pattern, I tried to gently tell her that I was finding it difficult to keep up with her requests, particularly as I was working a more than demanding job with exceptionally long hours. I recommended that she consult with her professors and/or classmates more.
She didn’t like my advice all too well and I could tell she was a bit miffed with my cessation of free help. She tried to guilt trip me, and then tried to flatter me, but it was clear that I wasn’t going to budge. After that, her texts became less frequent and stopped altogether a week later.
I felt bad initially, and thought that I had handled it wrong. Maybe I should have just kept helping her. But I also knew that she really had no interest in me beyond her self-serving purposes.
She needed help with her homework, and I was just someone that she could rely on to help her. She also knew me well enough to know that I have difficulty saying “no,” especially to friends, and she capitalized on that quality and would have continued to abuse my generosity had I not stood up for myself.
It’s a sad fact of life, but people are quick to look down on others that are “too nice for their own good.” They wrongfully perceive a kind person as a pushover, and someone that can easily be taken advantage of. What they don’t understand is that being kind to others requires a rare, special kind of strength that most (and likely themselves) just simply don’t have.
“It’s easy to hate. It takes strength to be gentle and kind.”
Practicing kindness does not come easily for everyone. It requires an unparalleled level of empathy, understanding, and a resilient hope for the human race.
No one said the moral high ground was an easy path to take, and you shouldn’t give up on being kind to everyone you come across, no matter how many times you’ve been taken advantage of and used.
However, learning to respect yourself more so that others stop taking advantage of you and your kindness can go a long ways in preventing others from abusing you and your benevolence.
It’s not selfish to not want to repeatedly and endlessly extend your kindness to those whom you know are taking advantage of you. It’s self-respecting to know what your limits are, to watch out for yourself, and to take a stand against someone who uses you. You can be both kind and have self-respecting boundaries.
Want to learn how to deal with people who take advantage of your kindness? Use these 5 tips the next time you come across someone that tries to use you.
How to deal with people who take advantage of your kindness
1. Reserve your kindness for those that appreciate it. Your kindness is something that should be respected, appreciated, and reciprocated. Unfortunately, not everyone will treat your kindness this way. Bestow your kindness upon those that deserve it. If someone that you’re being kind to continues to disrespect you, don’t waste anymore time or kindness on them.
2. Be kind to yourself by setting boundaries. Practicing kindness means extending it to not only others, but also to yourself. Be kind to yourself by setting limits on what you will and will not do for others, and be consistent. Write down your own personal boundaries. Note what causes you to feel hurt, used, disrespected, or uncomfortable. The next time someone reaches that limit, stop extending your generosity towards them.
3. Reinforce your boundaries. While you don’t need to verbalize all your boundaries to those you interact with, you can decline their requests and modify their expectations of you. For example, if they repeatedly ask you to do something for them but continue to disrespect and use you, tell them you simply can’t or that you have other commitments or engagements. They’ll come to rely on you less, and also respect your time more.
4. Be kind, but firm. If you really want to weed out those people in your life that continue to take advantage of you, be strong and assertive when you communicate with them. Be simple and to the point when you speak with them, and don’t leave any room for them to try to sway your opinion. Even when you’re standing next to them, be tall and firm in how you hold yourself. People are quick to interpret your body language, and if you come across as someone that’s easily influenced, you can bet they’ll try to manipulate the situation to their advantage. Assume an assertive stance in all your interactions with them. They’ll think twice before they try to take advantage of you.
5. Remember: only you have the power to say no. When people make incessant demands and come to expect our kindness, it often feels like we’re trapped and that we don’t have a choice. In fact, perpetual users are often banking on you to feel like this so that they can continue to use you. The thing is, you don’t have to give into their manipulative games. You can speak up and express yourself. Don’t forget, you DO have the choice and the power to say no to someone who is abusing your kindness.
Still having a hard time saying “no” to others and their demands? Learn how to say no when you’re a yes person (without feeling guilty).
Great comment on setting our own boundaries. It’s so hard to do this in this day and age. Do any other readers feel the same way about boundary setting and trying to avoid being nice to those that aren’t nice back?
Beautifully written! There are many people who try to misuse kindness – it’s a selfish act, and I feel it’s going to get worse over the years. Hardships and setbacks could make some people more humble or willing to rough it out, but most of them misuse others to get away from negative experiences. People who feel inadequate or even shirkers take advantage of others decency and willingness to help. Some people are not kind to others – they actually lack empathy. There are still many who genuinely need help and kindness – they are the deprived ones but unfortunately it’s very difficult to recognise who’s being honest – the lines are very blurred. After many years of experiencing misuse, I’ve come to realise that it’s good to help only to a certain extent and not beyond! Most of the humans are capable of helping themselves – they just need to make the effort ;)…I’m prone to be kind by default but I’ve also learnt to keep my emotional distance to protect my aura 🙂
Thanks so much for your lovely feedback. I am glad to hear that you have learned to of course always practice kindness, but to also set boundaries and protect yourself. It’s a tough lesson to learn, and I myself feel like I’m constantly honing that skill–it takes practice!