In this post:
- Does online dating work?
- How online dating sets us up for failure
Please note that this post contains affiliate links. For more information, see my disclosures here.
Does online dating work?
Let’s be real. For the vast majority of us, online dating doesn’t work out very well. It’s a complex, alternate reality to navigate, and more often than not, we end up, quite frankly, utterly disappointed when we actually meet the person in real life.
While many of us turn to online dating as a last resort to try to find love, the sad fact of the matter is that most online dating applications just don’t work. The ability of such applications to effectively match potential partners together based on algorithms and spreadsheets can never really make up for that “chemistry” that we’re all after.
That’s not to say that not all online relationships are destined to fail. There are definitely exceptions to the norm, and sometimes that algorithm gets everything perfectly and beautifully right. But for so many of us, it’s hard to find love in today’s messed up dating world.
So before you dip your toe into the pool of possibilities with online dating, there are a few things you should know about how online dating sets us up for failure.
How online dating sets us up for failure
1. It gives us unrealistic expectations. When we begin a relationship with someone that we haven’t actually met in person, we’re forced to rely completely on the very little that we do know about them from their online profile. The online version of someone is usually quite limited and incomplete, which doesn’t give us a realistic view of someone.
2. It doesn’t give us the whole picture of another person (and vice versa). With online dating, we often select someone based solely on their profile picture. We draw conclusions of their personality based off the way they look, and not because of their character. We miss out on finding real, tangible qualities that we could have related to in person, but otherwise miss out on because the relationship is taking place online.
3. It discourages effective communication. The most effective communication happens face-to-face, when you can see, hear, and feel their presence. With online dating, communication is reduced to a one-dimensional exchange, where emotions and thoughts are abbreviated to acronyms, and feelings are expressed by emoticons.
4. It’s difficult to balance the two realities. When we finally meet someone after interacting with them online, it’s hard to balance the online version of them with the real version of them. Often people try to adapt an alter ego of themselves when they’re online to seem more outgoing or flirty, especially if they’ve had difficulty dating in the past. When you finally meet them face-to-face however, they’re not always the exact same person you met online.
5. It’s hard to envision a realistic future with someone. When we date someone, we’re usually attracted to them because we can see a future of us together. Maybe it’s the way they interact with children that makes you think of how they would be a great parent. Or maybe it’s when you see them work so hard at their job, and you know they’ll work hard at your relationship. With online dating, you miss out on learning so many of these important details and you don’t actually see how they go about living their life day-to-day, which makes it hard to see how you would fit into their life.
6. It conceals the truth. People aren’t always truthful when they create an online dating profile. They may purposely conceal parts of their personality or life, or distort the truth in an effort to make themselves more attractive to others.
7. It leaves us disappointed. When we meet someone online, we only know what they want us to know, and we build that version of them up in our minds. The result? We’re going to be disappointed when we meet them and see that they are not perfect.
8. Not everyone is looking for an actual relationship. One of the sad realities about online dating is that so many people are not after an actual relationship, but rather a one-night stand, or just a no-frills, sex-only relationship.
9. It lowers our self-esteem. Studies have shown that those who date online are more likely to experience lowered self-esteem. Why? When we put pictures of ourselves up online, we’re letting others judge us on our picture alone, which forces us to hyper focus on our perceived attractiveness, and also encourages us to compare ourselves to others.
10. It makes us focus less on what really matters. Being in another person’s physical company lets us focus on what really matters about another person. Maybe it’s the way they look at you and keep eye contact. Maybe it’s how soft-spoken and gentle they are with everyone they interact with. Maybe it’s seeing how they are around their family and friends. With online dating, we miss out on seeing all these necessary, important qualities that would otherwise help us to decide if they’re someone we want to be with.
