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The concept of ‘toxic positivity’ sounds, at first, contradictory. After all, isn’t positivity a good thing? And shouldn’t we all strive to be positive no matter how challenging the situation is? What’s so toxic with always trying to ‘look on the bright side?’
But toxic positivity is indeed a real issue, and it’s one that often goes unchecked because there is no comfortable way to respond to it.
So, what is toxic positivity?
In a nutshell, toxic positivity is when a positive mindset is completely embraced to the fullest extent–even in the most difficult or challenging situations. It denies any and all negative emotions, which typically results in a completely false, untruthful façade.
I can clearly recall one time where I experienced toxic positivity with someone.
An old friend and I decided to catch up over lunch a few years back. At the time, I had been working at an entertainment company and facing some major challenges with the toxic work culture. The outright backstabbing, constant gossip, and the overall cutthroat environment were really getting to me, on top of the long hours and crazy long commute. I was ready to move on, and had been actively applying to new jobs.
I was really needing a friend to talk to about the challenges I was facing at work, so over lunch I recounted the most recent dramas I had faced that week at work.
My friend nodded after hearing my speech. “Just stay positive,” she said curtly.
“I’m trying, but I think I want to look for another job,” I explained. “I feel like I’m in a constant state of dread with this job, and I have no time for anyone or anything else with the commute and long hours.”
“Well, happiness is a choice you make for yourself,” she said dismissively, shrugging her shoulders.
I felt disappointed after this exchange with my friend. It was as if I had made a deliberate choice to feel this way about my job, and that it was my fault for not making the choice to be happy. Ultimately, my emotions were not only brushed aside, but dismissed entirely. The only emotions worth showing, at least to this friend, were positivity and optimism—however phony they would have felt to me.
I ultimately did end up leaving that job for another, but I made sure to not consult with this friend again about my choice to do so.
As you can imagine, toxic positivity can take many forms. It can be dismissive as it was in the case with my friend. It can even sound well-intentioned on the surface: “look on the bright side!” But it all boils down to the same theme: toxic positivity rejects any emotions that are less than positive.
So you’re probably wondering how one should deal with toxic positivity, whether you’ve encountered it with your friends, with family, at school, or even in the workplace.
Fortunately, there are ways to combat toxic positivity. Keep reading to learn how you should deal with toxic positivity.
How to Deal with Toxic Positivity
1. Don’t deny your own negative feelings—even if others do. Negative emotions can be detrimental if they go unchecked for long enough, but they are normal and healthy to an extent. Recognize that it’s okay to feel sad, or even angry if you lost your job, or if you received bad news, or if you just had an altogether rough day. Acknowledge how you feel, even if others don’t. If you resort to avoiding your feelings—or worse, if you resort to toxic positivity—it will only prolong the negative emotions.
2. Realize that it’s okay to have mixed emotions. Dealing with a complex and challenging situation only breeds complex and challenging emotions. For example, it’s okay to feel the pain of grief when you lose a loved one, but also relieved they are no longer in pain. These layered, intricate emotions shouldn’t be ignored or dismissed.
3. Be careful with whom you confide in. It’s okay to talk to close friends or family members about the challenges you’re facing, but just be selective with whom you confide in. They don’t need to agree with you, but having a supportive listener will definitely help you to move forward.
4. Be the empathetic listener that you always wished for. This is basically the golden rule here, but strive to be the supportive, empathetic listener you always wanted when you needed someone to talk to. Even though you may not agree with everything they say, just simply listen and try to put yourself in their shoes. Don’t resort to platitudes, such as, “happiness is a choice!”
5. Take small, yet productive steps. If you’re still feeling down but wanting to try to move forward, formulate a realistic timeline with small, yet productive steps. You don’t need to try to find a solution for all your problems in one day, but taking small, actionable steps will help you to recover faster. And remember, take time to do things that you genuinely enjoy, whether it’s reading a book, practicing yoga every day, going for a walk, etc.
For more tips on how to handle toxic positivity, check out this article.
