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We all know that someone that was, “the one that got away.”
For most of us, it was probably our ex.
Or perhaps it was you that got away, the one that slipped through the cracks.
For whatever reason, the one that gets away leaves the most haunting, bittersweet memory.
But what is it about the one that gets away?
Is it how they make us realize just a breath too late of what we’ve lost?
Or is it how they painfully remind us of our inherent flaws, the flaws that potentially drove them away?
For whatever reason, we never quite get over the one that leaves us.
If you’re going through a break-up, and wondering what kind of legacy you’ll leave with your ex, make it one they’ll never forget.
Be the one that got away.
How to Be the One that Got Away (And the One That’s Better Off)
1. Keep your distance (emotionally and physically). If you’re wondering how to be the one that got away, it may be tempting to remind your ex of what they’re missing post break-up. But don’t give into these psychological games with yourself. No matter how well intentioned you may be if you want to check in on them to make sure that they’re, “ok,” or even if you want to see if there is the slightest bit of hope to patch things up again, don’t do it. Things ended for a reason, and if you really want to be the one that got away, you have to demonstrate respect for yourself.
When you show respect for yourself, particularly after a traumatic event like a break up, you’re pointedly reminding your ex of the level of respect you’ve always deserved, both before and after the break up. As much as you may want to let them know via text, phone call, or even in person just how much they hurt you and how much they’ll regret it, your quiet actions will speak far louder than your words, particularly in the long run when they’ve had time to reflect on your relationship. When you slip away without having to have “the last word,” you ultimately show them that you didn’t need them to be happy. To them, you’ll always be the one that got away (and the one that’s better off).
2. Get off social media. I know, I know. I’m always touting the benefits of doing a social media detox. But seriously, there is no better time to get off social media than during and after a break up. Not only will getting off social media help you to bounce back faster post break up, but you’ll also find that being absent from your ex’s newsfeeds will change their perspective on you and your relationship with them. Why? Well, there’s a bit of truth to the saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” When someone is removed from our lives, our minds tend to blur the past, sometimes giving past events a rosier glow than they actually deserve. The same is true for people going through break-ups. Without your ex being able to see you both physically and virtually, they’ll be forced to rely on their own memories when they think of you.
Why is this a good thing? Our minds actually reconstruct memories over and over again as time passes, often massaging painful memories into softer, less hurtful ones. Over time, your ex will only remember the good things about you and your relationship, particularly if you’re absent from social media. If you can’t do a complete social media detox, at the very least unfriend your ex for your own self-healing and mental health.
3. Don’t seek additional closure by trying to talk to them. Many of us like to “talk things out” because it’s how we extract meaning and understanding from painful, challenging events, like break-ups, or unexpected outcomes/winners from American Idol. Unfortunately, this is where a lot of people tend to label their ex as “clingy,” “desperate,” or even something to the effect of, “my crazy, psycho ex-girlfriend” *rolls eyes*. No matter how false this may be, you don’t want this to be your legacy when you’re dealing with a break up. Take the high road here, and don’t bother trying to seek additional closure from your ex. Post break-up, it’s easy to say and do things that you normally wouldn’t, simply because of the vulnerable, fragile state that you’re in. Remind yourself that things ended so the two of you could be ultimately happier and healthier apart, and not together.
4. Forgive them for your own self-healing. When it comes to forgiving others, you don’t necessarily need a big, hearty, “I’m sorry” to be able to forgive them. Being able to forgive others is something that you can do for your own self-healing and inner peace. Be kind to yourself by choosing compassion over hate. Choosing to forgive is the best thing you can do for your own mental health and well-being, and it also makes it far easier to healthfully move on from your ex. Eventually when your ex asks your friends or family about you one day (and trust me, they will somehow), your friends and family will have nothing but great things to report to your ex, which is another win for you.
5. Use this time as an opportunity for self-discovery. Break-ups are one of the few, raw opportunities you get in your life to truly learn about yourself and the person you really are. Try to see this as a valuable time and opportunity to grow as an individual. Have you always wanted to go abroad? Start planning your trip! Are you wanting to get your master’s? Start researching programs! Use this as a time to grow and learn more about you. Should you ever run into your ex again, you can then brag to them about all the cool things you’ve done and accomplished with your life since you two split, which will not only give you that sense of closure you always wanted, but it will also make you feel pretty damn awesome.
6. Take care of yourself. While you don’t have to go out and get your “revenge body” to get back at your ex, it is important to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. A healthy body nourishes a healthy mind and spirit, so make working out regularly a top priority. Go for a walk. Take up yoga. Or join a new fitness class with some of your pals! Not only will this get you into fantastic shape, but you’ll also develop a greater sense of confidence about yourself that will be even more obvious to everyone else (including your ex) than your fit, healthy bod.
7. And remember: happiness comes from within. One of the greatest lessons we can ever learn from a break-up is what happiness really means. When something ends, like a relationship, we’re forced to reflect on what truly makes us happy. While it will differ across the board for every individual, one thing remains the same: happiness is something that can come only from within. It’s not something you get from external sources, like eating caramel fudge (although that helps), watching your favorite TV show, traveling to a new country, earning a certain amount of money, or even from being with another person. True happiness comes from within you, and it’s a personal choice that you make every day to be happy, to show gratitude for what you already have, and to love yourself, flaws and all. If you really want to be “the one that got away,” look to yourself to find happiness. After all, living well really is the best revenge.
