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What is Self-Sabotaging in a Relationship?
Self-sabotage is a fickle kind of behavior that we all engage in at some point.
You may unconsciously do it the moment you try on new clothing and your thoughts start to pick apart your appearance.
Or you may consciously do it when you decide to not apply for the dream job you always wanted, telling yourself you’re just not ready or qualified for it.
Self-sabotage occurs when we either intentionally or unintentionally hinder our own progress through actions (or inaction), thus preventing us from reaching our goals. It can be something we do either consciously or unconsciously, which can make it exceptionally difficult to identify and stop.
It’s also something we may do more of when we’re in a relationship.
Relationships require us to show someone else our most vulnerable sides, which may involve sharing our past with that other person, confronting our trust issues, or our flaws. Examining these parts of ourselves, especially with another person, can often lead to feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. These feelings can then cause us to engage in certain self-sabotaging behaviors that can potentially end the relationship.
For example, say you’ve been exclusively dating someone for a few weeks now. The conversation is lively, the connection is solid, and you genuinely enjoy being around them. But then, you worry about getting too close to them, so close that you may have to reveal something about yourself that could lead to judgment from them—or worse, criticism.
So, you cut off the relationship. You stop answering their texts, their calls, and call it quits before the relationship can even begin.
Self-sabotaging in relationships like this is essentially a fear-based reaction and can be exceptionally destructive.
What Causes Self-Sabotaging Behavior?
Self-sabotaging in relationships can stem from a number of different causes. Here are a few of the most common:
- Fear of being hurt
- Unrealistic expectations
- Low self-esteem
- Fear of judgment and rejection
- Fear of abandonment
- Trust issues (often linked to childhood traumas)
As you can see, fear is the common theme here. Instead of putting ourselves out there and trusting that things will work out the way they’re supposed to, we let our fears, whatever they may be, dictate our actions (or inaction).
This is why it’s so important to identify self-sabotaging patterns early on in a relationship before they can cause damage. Keep reading to learn what signs to look for.
9 Signs You’re Self-Sabotaging in Relationships
- You’re always looking for those ‘deal-breakers.’ Are you constantly sizing your partner up and trying to find things wrong with them? They live too far away. They don’t like sushi. They don’t have any siblings. They’re still in school…Finding excuses where a relationship supposedly can’t work is a form of self-sabotage.
- You always have an exit strategy. If you find that you’re constantly looking for a way out, this could mean you’re self-sabotaging in relationships. Maybe you always have an excuse ready to avoid meeting their parents. Or maybe you never let them meet your friends because you don’t want anyone to get ‘too attached.’ All these actions are taken with the goal to reduce any sort of commitments and to have a smooth and available exit.
- When in doubt, you avoid. Resorting to avoidance is common with self-sabotaging in relationships. This happens when you avoid underlying issues or challenges with either yourself or with your partner, convincing yourself that this problem will somehow go away.
- You’re holding grudges. Grudges may seem like an action taken towards someone, but in reality they’re a defense mechanism we employ to make sure no one gets too close to us. When you hold onto anger towards your partner like this for a prolonged period, you’re ensuring that you never let your guard down enough for them to get any closer. This also means you’re not showing any vulnerability, and therefore not building any trust, which is critical to the survival of the relationship.
- You can’t stay in a committed relationship. Dating one person after the next is a telltale behavior of self-sabotaging in relationships. Cycling through one person after another after only one or two dates ensures you never get too close to anyone, and that you get to ‘ keep things light.’
- The jealousy is unreal. Though your partner may have reassured you time and again, you can’t stop thinking that they may be seeing someone else behind your back. Trust issues are at the heart of a lot of self-sabotaging in relationships, and unless you tackle them head on, they’ll find ways to surface again and again in your relationships.
- Your self-esteem is basically non-existent. Do you find yourself constantly picking yourself apart? Are you second guessing every action you take? You may keep these thoughts to yourself, or you may verbalize it to your partner, such as, “I’m not as good as you. Why could you ever stay with someone like me?” Self-sabotaging in relationships like this is not only hard on you, but hard on your partner if they find they have to keep picking you up and putting you back together.
- You find ways to gaslight your partner. Though it may not be your original intention to do this to your partner, gaslighting is common when it comes to self-sabotaging in relationships. For example, say your partner is bothered by how you never text or respond back to them during the day. They tell you it upsets them, and that it makes them feel unimportant. You respond with, “How do you even have time to feel upset during the day? I’m too busy to think about your feelings!” Minimizing or even invalidating someone’s feelings like this is a form of gaslighting, or emotional manipulation.
- You’re impossible to please. Expecting perfection from your partner is a self-sabotaging behavior that makes it impossible for you to ever be happy in the relationship. When you set the bar too high for anyone to even come close to, you set the relationship up for failure.
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging in Relationships
Changing your behavior is only possible if you’re willing to reflect on your self-sabotaging behaviors and be honest about how they’re not only hurting yourself, but also those around you.
- Acknowledge your role in the self-sabotage. It’s all too easy to feel like the victim when things fall apart, but if you want to really make a change, it’s time to examine your part in the self-sabotaging behaviors.
- Identify your triggers. Perhaps you’re impossible to please because you’ve never been satisfied with yourself. Or maybe you resort to avoidance the moment you start to feel too attached to someone because you’re afraid of intimacy. Take time to study your triggers and fears.
- Consider therapy. Working with a trained therapist can help you to not only identify self-sabotaging behaviors, but also the root causes of the self-sabotage. Once you know what the root causes and triggers are for you, you can then begin to replace your old patterns of behavior with newer, healthier ones.
You may think this is going to take a lot of work, but the rewards of being in a healthy relationship with yourself are vast. Most importantly, being in a healthy relationship with yourself means you can be in a healthy relationship with someone else, and finally overcome your fears of intimacy.
For more tips on how to stop sabotaging relationships, check out this article.
