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Why Ground Rules Matter in Relationships
When a relationship blossoms with someone special, usually the last thing you’ll find yourself thinking is, “What could go wrong?”
Everything seems perfect in the beginning of a relationship. You treat each other with respect, admiration, and you find yourself compatible in virtually every sense possible. The word “fight” doesn’t even exist in your shared vocabulary, and the last thing you could ever imagine is hurting each other.
But then, slowly, things change, and you find yourself hurting each other in ways that you never thought were possible. Rules of common decency and respect are broken without hesitation, and you find yourself wondering why you’re so disappointed, and why they can’t seem to respect your boundaries.
Boundaries are vital for every healthy relationship, and it’s important to make them known early on in the relationship. While setting ground rules may not prevent every mishap along the way, they’ll certainly help to establish clear expectations between you and your partner.
In one of my previous relationships in college, I learned the importance of ground rules in an embarrassing way. I dated a guy that was very close with his male roommates, which I thought was great because they acted like a family of brothers.
But it wasn’t so great when my boyfriend would divulge every detail of our very private conversations to his roommates.
For example, I made the mistake of confiding in him about my roommate. My roommate dated a lot of guys, and it wasn’t uncommon for me to meet a new one every couple mornings when I would be barely awake and making my coffee. Some of them seemed pretty nice, but others made me uncomfortable.
I told my boyfriend about this, and of course, he told his roommates. Little did I know though that one of his roommates was actually friends/classmates with my roommate. My roommate found out fairly quickly about my feelings towards her late-night visitors, and ultimately it caused permanent damage to our roommate relationship.
I wondered if I had set some ground rules earlier on in our relationship, we could have avoided an issue like that. While I think it’s pretty obvious that you shouldn’t ever betray the trust of your partner no matter what (even to your roommates), perhaps actually verbalizing that expectation to my boyfriend would have helped.
The ground rules you and your partner set with each other should be based on your own specific needs as a couple. However, here are a few trusted ground rules that you and your partner should follow when starting a new relationship.
10 Ground Rules for Starting a New Relationship
1. Learn each other’s conflict management style. Knowing how each other fights and handles conflict is perhaps one of the most important boundaries you can set at the beginning of a relationship. Do you prefer space when you’re upset? Does he like to talk things through in person rather than over the phone? It’s important to acknowledge and respect these boundaries so that you’re prepared when an argument does arise.
2. Avoid assumptions. Be upfront with your feelings and beliefs; your partner is not a mind-reader! You have to be clear about what your feelings and expectations are, otherwise your partner will never know.
3. Don’t bring the past into the present. You may have had some rough experiences or mistakes you made in your past relationship, but that doesn’t mean they need to affect your present relationship. While you should always learn from your past experiences and mistakes, treat your new relationship as a clean slate and new opportunity.
4. Take responsibility for your actions. Avoid playing the blame game at all costs, and take responsibility when you mess up. More than likely, you’re both equally at fault, but it’s important to acknowledge your own faults, rather than getting mad at your partner.
5. Go on a date once a week. Plan regular outings that you can both can look forward to, even if you live together! When your interactions become restricted to bickering over little things at home (e.g., they didn’t clean up the kitchen after dinner, they didn’t fold the towels the right way, etc.,), you’ll only resent each other. Make getting out together a priority.
6. Honesty is always the best policy. Don’t keep secrets from your partner, even if you think you’re doing the right thing by keeping your mouth shut. Relationships are all about honesty and trust, and if you betray either one of those, you’ll threaten the foundation of your relationship.
7. Make “me” time (for both of you). Relationships require a degree of dependence on one another, but that doesn’t mean you should sacrifice your independence altogether. Make time to do the things that are important to you on your own. Spend time with your own friends. Go to your regular Zumba classes. By respecting each other’s space and time, you won’t run the risk of suffocating each other.
8. Don’t fight dirty. No matter how much they might offend or hurt you, don’t fight dirty. Cussing, launching personal attacks, giving the silent treatment, and throwing things are all big no-no’s. While fighting to an extent is healthy in every relationship, fighting dirty is a toxic, unhealthy pattern in a relationship.
9. Set social media boundaries. Some may argue that relationship sharing on social media is a form of PDA, and while you may think that’s ok, your partner may not agree. Come to a compromise about what you will and will not share on social media. Respecting digital boundaries is just as important as respecting normal, real-life boundaries.
10. Establish your preferred mode of communication. Every couple differs in how and how much they communicate, so it’s important to make sure that you two are on the same page. Your partner may love getting texts and calls throughout the day, while you may prefer to just catch up at the end of the day. Talk about what your preferences are, and see how you can balance the two.
For more advice on ground rules in a relationship, check out this article.
