In this post:
• What jealousy really means
• The psychology behind jealousy, and why people become jealous
• The signs of jealousy and what to watch for in competitive friends or others
• How to deal with jealous people and competitive friends
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Jealousy: the art of counting others’ blessings instead of your own
We have all had some experience with jealousy at some point in our lives. Maybe you’ve experienced someone at work that is jealous of your performance and tries to undermine your efforts. Or maybe someone is trying to discredit you to others to mar your reputation. Or perhaps a friend you thought you could trust tried to take what you have or what you have earned.
Jealousy can come in many forms, and can cause irreversible damage to relationships if not addressed quickly and effectively.
At one of my previous jobs working in entertainment, I had to work very closely with someone that was incredibly jealous of me and my job, and did all that she could to undermine my work and performance.
When I started this job, little did I know that this woman had been one of the internal applicants for my role. Coming in as an external applicant, she did everything she could to make me feel unwelcome once I landed the job. Unfortunately, she directly supported me in her secretarial position, which meant that I had to rely on her greatly on a daily basis.
Spreading rumors, professionally discrediting me to my colleagues and the higher-ups, and outright backstabbing were only some of the tactics she resorted to every day. Never before had I seen someone so consumed or so motivated by jealousy to try to hurt someone else.
Eventually, I ended up leaving my job for other reasons (although I would be lying if I said she wasn’t a factor), and ultimately I was glad that I never retaliated or resorted to playing dirty like she did. In the end, I actually felt sorry for her because I knew she was paying the price every day for her actions.
She was clearly unhappy with her life. She lived alone and had only a few friends. She was close to 40, unmarried, and couldn’t hold on to a guy for more than a couple of weeks because of how she treated them. She came to work most mornings hungover, and partied nearly every night of the week. And because of the damage she caused to myself and others in the organization, she would never be able to move up from her entry-level position there.
It’s sad to see someone cause so much damage to their own lives, and all because they’re motivated by jealousy.
What is jealousy?
Jealousy is defined as “feeling resentment against someone because of that person’s rivalry, success, or advantages.” For example, a person coveting or desiring something that does not belong to them would mean that person is jealous.
What’s the psychology behind jealousy?
Jealousy can manifest itself in many different ways dependent on the situation, but it all comes from the same place. Humans are genetically hardwired to feel jealous, and it’s an evolutionary emotion that all of us have because our ancestors had it. Jealousy can span a variety of emotions, from abandonment and anger, to humiliation.
Typically, jealousy arises when a person feels that a third party has threatened one of their relationships. The threat may be very real, or it may only be a worry. Jealousy often happens in romantic relationships, but it can also happen between friends, between siblings, colleagues, and in other relationships.
According to Psychology Today, evolutionary psychologists believe that jealousy acts as a warning to humans, signaling to them that their relationship with another is under threat and they must act quickly to regain the trust or affection of that person. It’s a response of fear that arises from the threat of potentially losing a relationship that we value. Consequently, jealousy acts as a preserver of social bonds, and motivates us to maintain relationships that are important to us.
So how and why does jealousy manifest itself in our relationships with others? Below are some of the most common motivations for jealous behaviors:
• Low self-esteem. When a person suffers from low self-esteem, they’re naturally inclined to look at others that have greater self-esteem, that are more successful, and who appear to have more than what they have.
• Insecurity and possessiveness. Those that have feelings of insecurity will dwell on all that they don’t have, and will look to others that appear to have what they want or need. They’re also more likely to show possessiveness towards their more intimate relationships as a result of their insecurities.
• Feeling inadequate in the relationship. They may feel that they’re not good enough to be in the relationship in the first place.
While jealousy can develop from a very real situation (e.g., our partner begins to show affection or love for another person, or our friend begins to spend more and more time with other people), often it’s a very irrational feeling that is fueled purely by emotion.
It’s important to recognize the signs of jealousy and what to watch for in your relationships, as jealousy can quickly spiral out of control and cause irreversible damage to a relationship.
Signs to look for when someone is jealous of you
- They’re overly competitive. While there’s nothing wrong with a little healthy competition, being overly competitive may be a sign of jealousy.
- They’re Debbie Downers and always negative. Is your friend or partner always there to greet you with negative news, even after you’ve shared good news with them? Do they always find a reason to shine light on the negative with you, rather than the positive?
- They constantly compare themselves to others. Is your friend or partner always thinking the grass is greener everywhere else? Do they compare every facet of themselves to others?
- The world is especially “unfair” to them. Is there a pattern where your friend is always bringing up how unfair the world is to specifically them and their circumstances? This tendency of placing the blame beyond oneself is a telltale sign of jealousy.
- They’re the put-down expert. Does your friend always find a way to discourage your good news, or diminish every accomplishment of yours, no matter how small? Dishing out put-downs like candy is a way of trying to make you look bad, or at least minimize your accomplishments, so that they can look better or feel more accomplished than you.
- They embrace being fake, even when you share good news with them. Showing fake happiness is merely a facade for the jealousy that lies beneath. People often do this because they’re envious of your good news, and wish it were them that had something good to share instead.
Although this is not an exhaustive list of all the signs of jealousy, these signs are by far the most telling of others’ motivations, and whether or not they’re jealous of you.
Now that we know the major signs of jealousy and how to recognize them, what do we do now? Is there anything we can do to stop their jealous behaviors?
What to do when someone’s jealous of you
1. Firstly, don’t ignore their jealousy. Ignoring issues always makes things worse, believe me. If you let the jealousy grow and their envious behaviors proliferate, the relationship will inevitably self-destruct, and will be beyond repair.
2. Be honest with them. Successful communication is the #1 ingredient for any healthy relationship. Make the time to talk to your friend or partner about how their behaviors are making you feel. Conduct your meeting in a neutral space (e.g., at a coffee shop or in a park) where you both feel at ease.
3. Be gentle with your words. While it may be tempting to jump straight in and say, “Stop being jealous of me!” it’s best to be as gentle as possible if you really want to preserve the relationship. Start with telling them how you have noticed things changing between the two of you, and that you want to fix it. Let them know how much their relationship means to you, and that you want to strengthen it by being honest.
4. Put yourself in their shoes. Before you get angry or defensive, try seeing the world through their eyes. Are they going through a tough time right now? Are there external factors beyond their control? Try to understand where their emotions are coming from, and you’ll be better able to temper your words with concern and sincerity.
5. Give them time and distance. Once you’ve spoken with them, it’s always a good idea to take a few steps back so that they can have some time to process the conversation. Both of you will be able to digest what was said, and then meet again with clear, fresh heads.
6. Try to not take their words personally. If someone is jealous of you that you aren’t super close with, but you’re more than acquaintances with them, it’s not as hard to not take what they say personally. However, if you are super close with this person, it will make it that much harder to not internalize what they say or do. Whether it’s a colleague that you need to maintain a healthy relationship with, or a friend that you want to keep, try to not take their insults or jealous-driven behaviors too personally. Most of the time when someone expresses jealousy towards us, it’s not just you that they do that to. It’s EVERYONE. Take a step back and tell yourself that it’s not just about you.
7. Remember: you can’t please everyone. No matter what happens, remember you simply can’t please everyone, and it’s wasted time and energy to try to please others.
8. Choose whether to move on, with or without them. How your friend or partner handles your honesty will be a huge factor in whether the two of you can move on together. It’s not easy to end a friendship, but sometimes it’s absolutely necessary if the friendship is unhealthy and/or toxic.
