In this post:
- How phones affect our relationships
- The issue of “technoference”
- How phones create feelings of rejection
- Cell phone rules for a healthier relationship
Please note that this post contains affiliate links. For more information, see my disclosures here.
How phones affect our relationships
Our phones are like an added appendage to our bodies. There is no other item we use, wear, or look at more than our phones. It’s in our pocket, our hands, or in our purse. We eat with them at our sides. We sleep next to them. It’s the first and last thing we interact with every day (and sometimes in the middle of the night). Needless to say, the relationship we have with our phones is a very intimate one.
So how does it fit in with our other intimate, human relationships?
Not very well. Research has continued to show that our smartphones are ruining our relationships, and the more attached we are to them, the more likely they are to sabotage our relationships with those we’re closest to.
The issue of “technoference”
Think of a time when you went on a date, or spent time out with your significant other. Was your time together interrupted by either of you receiving texts, emails, or calls? Did you feel short-changed when the date was over and you realized how much time was spent on the phone, rather than enjoying each other’s company? This “technoference” can be exceptionally damaging to not only your relationships, but also to your psychological health.
Higher levels of technoference have been found to positively correlate with greater relationship conflict and reduced relationship contentment. In other words, the more a couple uses their phones in a relationship, the more likely they are to fight, and the less likely they are to be happy. In fact, partners can actually experience depression as a result of their significant other heavily using their phone.
Why? How can a little thing like a phone have such a negative effect on someone in a relationship?
How phones create feelings of rejection
Having a partner that attends to their phone on a too-frequent basis means that they’re spending less time with you, and more time with their phone. While it may not be an overt form of rejection, our brains still process this as being rejected by someone. We feel ignored, lonely, and discarded when someone chooses to look at their phone instead of us.
Think about this. You’re on a date at an Italian restaurant. Just as the glasses of wine have been poured and you’re both starting to relax, maybe you’re talking about a concert you both want to go to together, you hear a loud ping. You realize it’s your date’s phone. Your date abruptly stops talking, takes out their phone, and begins to text someone, a little smile playing across their lips as they look at their phone. You sip your wine, trying to act like you don’t care, and that it’s ok they’re texting on your date. A couple minutes later, your date looks up, and asks, “Ok. Where were we?”
Interruptions like this happen all the time. But does that make it ok?
When a conversation, meal, or any time spent together with someone is interrupted because of something like this, the message you’re getting from that person is, “This is more important than you right now. I would rather give my phone all of my attention instead of you.” Rejections, even subtle ones like this where someone merely turns their attention to their smartphone, are processed the same way as physical pain in the brain. Your feelings can get hurt, your self-esteem may drop, and you may feel angry or resentful towards their behavior. And if this continues to go on, this repetitive rejection can lead to greater conflict and reduced life satisfaction, and even depression.
Furthermore, being on our phones removes our ability to live in the present, which can further harm our relationships with others. We instead choose to partake in a virtual reality on our phones, and ignore the one we’re in right now, meaning we also ignore whoever we’re with.
Phones aren’t going to go away. So how do we establish better phone etiquette with our significant others? What phone “rules” should we follow to avoid being “phubbed” (phone snubbed) by our partner? Read on to find out how you can have a healthier relationship with your partner (and your phone).
Cell phone rules for a healthier relationship
1. Firstly, let your partner know how you feel. If you’re feeling rejected by your partner as a result of their phone usage, let them know. Don’t try to bottle up your feelings-that never turns out well. Be honest in how their phone usage is making you feel, and open up the topic for conversation.
2. Set boundaries. Discuss at what times phone use is acceptable, and when it’s not. Make a list of common activities you share, like going out to eat, eating breakfast together, watching TV at night, etc. With each activity, mark it as either acceptable or unacceptable for time spent on phones. For example, do you both find it acceptable or unacceptable to be using your phones when you’re out to eat? Compromise when necessary. For instance, only if it’s for work are you allowed to text at dinner.
3. Define special circumstances that make phone use “Ok.” Sometimes life just happens, and we have to spend additional time than we would like on the phone. Maybe your boss had to call you on the weekend. Maybe your sister phoned to talk about an issue she’s having. Define what falls into the “special circumstances” category with your partner, and don’t assume that they’ll always remember your obligations.
4. Communicate more in person than through your phone. The most effective communication happens when you’re in person, speaking to them face-to-face. When you need to have a more serious talk with your partner, reserve the conversation for in-person, rather than through text. So many things can be misinterpreted when you rely on text to convey an entire message, so skip the text, and talk face-to-face.
5. Keep your phones off the table. Did you know that the mere presence of a phone can actually restrict the flow of conversation? Research has shown that when a phone is visible during a conversation, partners will find the conversation to be less fulfilling and empathetic than when the phone is absent. So the next time you’re eating a meal together, place the phones in your purse, in your pocket, or even in another room.
6. When your partner asks you to put your phone down, do it. Your partner isn’t asking you to put your phone down just to make you mad. They’re asking because they want to talk to you. Sometimes we fall in the trap of over-using our phones and forget about the other’s feelings. Don’t let your partner feel rejected, and give them the attention they deserve.
