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Why Do We Compare Ourselves to Others?
Comparing ourselves to others is something that we do immediately, and almost instinctively. We scroll through our newsfeed on social media and compare our bodies, our jobs, our careers, our choices, our spouses or significant others, and our entire lives to others’ lives. We judge them based merely on their appearance. Though we know we shouldn’t, we do it anyways.
But why?
Why we compare ourselves to others can be explained by the psychological theory of social comparison.
This theory posits that as individuals, we determine our own personal and social worth based on how we measure up to others. Consequently, we make incessant comparisons and evaluations of ourselves against others in every imaginable category: wealth, success, attractiveness, happiness, etc.
We know it’s wrong to do this. Such comparisons of ourselves leave us feeling worthless. We feel that we’re not successful enough, not attractive enough, and just simply not good enough.
And yet, we can’t help ourselves when we see pictures on social media that show a supposedly happier relationship than the one we’re in. Or a woman that looks better in a bikini than we do as she lies on the beach, bronzed to perfection. Or a wedding that was 10 times the size of our own with 10 times more people. They must be more popular. Men must find her more attractive. They must be more in love than my spouse and I. They have way more money than I’ll ever have.
We can find a multitude of reasons for why others are better than us, and it leaves us feeling inadequate and insecure.
Why Comparing Ourselves to Others is Unhealthy
Making social comparisons of ourselves is unhealthy for a number of reasons.
For one, we don’t get the entire picture of someone’s life based merely on their Facebook profile. The beautiful, tropical vacations. The perfect, well-behaved children. The infinitely happy couple. The glamorous selfie of someone and their friends.
What we see on social media is an illusion that gives us only a very partial, one-sided truth of someone’s life.
Secondly, when we compare ourselves to others, either on social media or in real life, our world becomes a lot more competitive where everyone is seen as a potential adversary. Once-strong friendships become aggressive. Mere acquaintances become rivals, and everyone is someone that you can be up against in the fight to be the best. Plus, it fosters feelings of jealousy, which can irreparably damage friendships.
Lastly, social comparisons make us feel that the world is disproportionately unfair to us. The world is already unfair to begin with, but since the advent of social media and the lightening speed through which information is shared, it often feels like the unfairness is being rubbed relentlessly in our faces.
There is a never-ending newsfeed of pictures and stories that constantly proves to us that we’ll never be as good as everyone else, and we’ll never have what everyone else has. And so we get sucked into this alternate reality that leaves us permanently dissatisfied with what we already have, when really we should be grateful and count our blessings.
The Issue of Social Media Envy
I used to be an avid social media user. If I got coffee out with a friend, I’d make a post. If I traveled anywhere, you can bet there would be a smattering of stories and posts in your news feed. When I would have something great happen, there would immediately be a post. Even if an average, everyday activity occurred, like going for a walk, grocery shopping, etc., I would make it sound like the BEST life event ever.
And you know what? It was exhausting. It felt like I was always trying to prove myself to everyone out there, and for what? A few likes? Maybe a couple of comments? All with the purpose of making me feel good about myself.
And even though it probably appeared that my life was so great and perfect, I felt far from great, and at times even disgusted with myself.
I fell into the trap of trying to make my life seem better than it really was, when in reality if I had just lived in those moments that I captured on social media, I probably would have been able to actually enjoy my life and those moments more.
I’ve been off of social media for a couple years now, and I can honestly say that it has been one of the best moves I’ve ever made for my own happiness and self-esteem, not to mention it has vastly improved my relationships.
Does that mean I don’t struggle anymore though with comparing myself to others? Not at all! I still fall into that trap of thinking the grass is always greener, but I can definitely say that not having social media has greatly and positively affected how I see myself and others.
While you don’t have to get off social media entirely to learn how to stop comparing yourself to others, there are a few things that you can do differently when you start to measure yourself up against others.
How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
1. Acknowledge your tendency to compare yourself to others. Bring awareness to your habit of comparing yourself. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re doing it! The next time you start to look at someone else and think about what they have and what you don’t have, take a moment to stop yourself. Just as were able to form the habit of comparing yourself to others, you can also take steps to make a habit of not doing it.
2. Focus on what makes you unique. When we compare ourselves to others, we tend to forget what our own strengths and abilities are, choosing instead to focus on others’ strengths and perceived perfections. Take a moment to reflect on yourself, though. What makes you special? What are you especially skilled at? Maybe you’re an excellent communicator. Maybe you’re a great leader at your job. Maybe you’re a whiz at creative problem solving. Whatever you’re great at, remind yourself of it when you’re tempted to compare yourself.
3. Put your blinders on. In case you don’t know what blinders are, they’re those little screens on either side of a horse’s eyes to prevent them from getting distracted. In the same way, wear your virtual blinders when you’re faced with situations that make you want to compare yourself. Comparisons to others are mere distractions to your life and what you’re doing. Look straight ahead, and focus on you and your life.
4. Realize that others are struggling with their own insecurities. Every time you see a picture online of another, seemingly perfect life, house, car, etc., remind yourself that no one is perfect. You don’t know the whole story of someone’s life by just a snapshot, and often people put such glamorous pictures up to conceal their own insecurities and challenges. Social media allows people to put their best face forward, and doesn’t reveal what other problems they’re having in their life. Recognize that everyone is struggling in some way; you just can’t see it.
5. Take a break from social media. While a permanent social media detox isn’t a bad idea for a number of reasons, you don’t have to get rid of it altogether to benefit your mind and health. Even if it’s just for a week, consider taking a break from social media. Not only will your relationships with others improve, but you’ll also find that you compare yourself to others far less.
6. Practice gratitude. When we compare ourselves to others, we count others’ blessings instead of our own, and forget what we already have. Counteract your tendency to compare yourself by reminding yourself of what you have. Do you have a loving, supportive family? A great network of friends? A job you love? Note what you have and what you’re thankful for, and you’ll find less of a need to compare yourself to others.
7. Embrace yourself, flaws and all. No one, including you, is perfect and living a carefree, painless life. Even though it may seem that someone else’s life is perfect on social media, it never is. We are all inherently flawed in some way and we will never be perfect, so why fight it? Embrace yourself as you are and accept yourself, flaws and all.
8. If you’re going to compare, compare the past you to present you. If you’re going to compete with anyone, compete against yourself. Set goals and strive to reach them, and compare where you were with where you are now. How far have you come in the last year? What choices have you made that you’re proud of? What goals are you working towards? Find ways to compare yourself to yourself that motivate and encourage you, rather than competing against others.
Comparing yourself to others is a difficult habit to break, but it can be done with time and practice. Ultimately though, you have to make the choice to live your life the way you want to, and not because of how you want your life to compare to others.
