In this post:
- Why is it so hard to let go of a toxic relationship?
- 10 questions to ask yourself about letting go of a toxic relationship
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Why is it so hard to let go of a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship may be the hardest addiction you ever battle. You know they’re bad for you, but yet you can’t walk away to save your life. You cling to the relationship as if you would the edge of a cliff, because you know the moment you let go, the pain and suffering of leaving them would be worse than staying.
You ignore your friends, your family, and everyone who knows you well who tell you, “You could do so much better.” But what do they know? They’re not in your shoes; they have no idea.
If you’re a prisoner of a toxic relationship, I’m sorry. I know how it feels to be able to be that one, special person that can actually see the good in the person you love, and to see all that they’re capable of when no one else can.
You feel unique, chosen, and even extraordinary to be with someone who understands you so completely, and vice versa. You love and accept them and all their flaws, and you cling desperately to the hope that someday, things will get better for both of you, that they’ll treat you the way you finally deserve to be treated.
But what makes you think that it’s ok to be treated like this in the first place?
I was in a toxic relationship that lasted on and off for 5 long years. What started out as an incredibly romantic relationship quickly took a turn for the worse, and yet we couldn’t seem to be able to leave each other. Days dragged into months, and months dragged into years, and we became that cliché, annoying couple that was always “getting back together.”
When things were good, they were amazing, and times like those refreshed my hopes and dreams for our future together.
But when they were bad, I can remember crying myself to sleep night after night, wondering what I did to deserve being treated like this. What did I do to make him want to cheat on me? What can I change about myself to make him more attracted to me?
I loved and adored everything about him, but yet I was never good enough for him. Everything about me needed to be changed to suit his preferences. My legs needed to be thinner. My boobs needed to be bigger. I needed to stop being so sensitive. I needed to tan more often. I needed to grow my hair out longer. I needed to make more sacrifices to prove my love to him.
There was no end to the changes he wanted for me.
And the worst part was that I wanted to change for him. I wanted to please him and be what he wanted. I honestly believed that if I were able to achieve even some of those things, he would treat me better.
Love makes us believe things that we know aren’t true. It’s blinding in that way. But can you really call it “love” when someone continues to knowingly hurt you and destroy your self-esteem?
It’s hard to leave someone who hurts you, and for a number of reasons. Maybe you know how great things can be when times are good, and you’re hopeful that one day things will suddenly take a turn for the permanent better. Maybe you’re trapped in a similar relationship like the one I described, and you think you need to change. Or maybe you think you can’t do any better than this person, and leaving them will surely lead to your downward spiral.
We all have our reasons for staying in a toxic relationship, and ultimately, only you can make the decision to leave a bad relationship.
However, there are some thoughts and questions that you should consider that may help you to finally end a relationship that you know isn’t good for you. Think through the following questions, and answer them honestly.
10 questions to ask yourself about letting go of a toxic relationship
1. When you’re with your partner, do they make you feel good about yourself?
Someone who truly loves and cares about you as a person will always make you feel good about yourself, flaws and all. If you find yourself constantly feeling bad about who you are, what you look like, or you feel that you’re just never “good enough,” then the relationship isn’t healthy for you or your self-esteem.
2. What would you advise your best friend to do if he or she was in a similar situation?
Think about someone close to you, someone you care about. What would you tell them if they were in the same situation? Would you tell them to leave or stay?
3. Are you equals in the relationship?
Does one party hold more power over the other? Or are things balanced? If things have always been predominately one-sided, or if you feel that they’re always trying to assert their control over you, this is a manipulative, toxic relationship.
4. Does one party benefit more than the other in the relationship?
A relationship should always be mutually beneficial, but when party stands to benefit more than the other, it creates an imbalanced, compromising environment.
5. Is there an established sense of compromise? Or are you making all the sacrifices?
Are you both able to meet in the middle when issues arise? Or do you find yourself accommodating the other and making the majority of the sacrifices?
6. Can you become the person you want to be with them by your side?
Think of what you’re working towards in your life. Maybe you want to be a top-level executive at your company one day. Maybe you want to start a family in the next couple of years (or do both!). Do you see them helping you along the way to reach your goals? Are they supportive? Do they want to see you succeed?
7. Are you happy?
When was the last time that you felt truly happy? Was it last night when you grabbed dinner together? Or was it months ago in the honeymoon phase? Or can you not remember a time when you felt happy with this person? How much longer do you want to go on being unhappy?
8. Do you both want the same things out of life?
While you both don’t need to share all the same goals and passions in life, your visions should complement each other’s, and should reflect at least some similar goals. If you both want very different things, however, it will be difficult to stay together in the long run.
9. What have they done to help you become a better person?
A healthy relationship should bring out the best version of yourself. Think back on your history with this person. Since you started dating them, have you become an even better version of yourself? Are you happier? Do you accept yourself? Are you more patient? Reflect on how far you’ve come, and ask yourself, “is this the direction I want to keep going in?”
10. Do they really love you for who you are? Or for who they want you to be?
You should never have to compromise yourself or your values for someone. A person that truly loves you will love you for who you already are, and not because of who you could be.
