In this post:
- When couples fight
- Is fighting actually good for your relationship?
- How fighting benefits your relationship
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When couples fight
Let’s face it, fighting with your partner SUCKS. You both say awful, hurtful things that you wish you could take back. You both go to bed angry and wake up in a terrible mood. And though you hopefully can forgive them after the fact, you’ll never forget what they said and how badly they made you feel.
My spouse and I are two completely different people from two different countries, and two different cultures. On fundamental values, we align pretty well with each other. But every once in a while, we come up against not only a cultural barrier, but also differing philosophies on life.
For instance, when we have a “day off,” I see it as an opportunity to catch up on all the things I’ve been wanting to get done. Maybe I’ve been meaning to go through my winter clothes and set aside some for donations. Maybe I need to find a birthday gift for my friend. Maybe I want to deep clean the carpet. You know, all those really fun things we’d rather put off.
For my husband, the last thing he wants to do on a day off is clean and catch up on all those things. It’s days like this where we really tend to bonk heads and have largely irrational fights.
Is fighting actually good for your relationship?
Believe it or not though, fighting can actually be good for a relationship, and even healthy. It all comes down to how you fight, and not necessarily what you fight about.
Fighting in a relationship is normal, and while many couples out there may think that fighting indicates an unhealthy relationship, it actually is beneficial for couples to fight.
The key to healthy fighting in a relationship, however, relies on fighting the actual topic at hand, and not attacking the other’s character.
For example, when you think your spouse is being lazy, you may say something like,
“Aren’t you going to actually do anything, you know, productive today?”
A comment like this may be grounds for a heated argument, especially if the other gets defensive, but it’s actually a relatively harmless remark to make when fighting.
It crosses the line though when one attacks the other more harshly. For example,
“You’re a sorry excuse for a husband.”
It’s when couples take the expression of their feelings too far and resort to fighting dirty that it becomes unhealthy in a relationship. So the next time when you’re fighting with your partner, fight cleanly and stick to the topic at hand.
But how much fighting is too much in a relationship?
There’s not a specific number attached to this, as it will vary from couple to couple. The important thing for couples to focus on is to fight productively, rather than against each other.
What you should be more worried about is not fighting at all. With fighting, both partners are showing that they genuinely care about not only the relationship, but also improving it. It’s when couples aren’t fighting at all that it shows they have both checked out of the relationship.
Fighting in a relationship presents a number of advantages for couples. Curious to see what they are? Read on to see how fighting in your relationship can benefit both you and your partner.
How fighting benefits your relationship
1. It demonstrates commitment. When you argue with your partner, you’re showing that you actually care about the relationship. While many of us are conflict-avoidant, being honest and speaking up in a relationship can open up a healthy dialogue either during or after a fight.
2. It boosts your confidence in the relationship. When you finish a fight and reach a compromise and/or agreement, it proves to both partners that they’re capable of making the relationship work, regardless of disagreements. This helps both to feel more assured and secure in the relationship.
3. It improves communication. From my experience, poor communication is the number 1 reason couples fight. When you fight with someone, you’re forced to communicate to them how what they did made you feel, and it helps to open up a productive dialogue. Each time you fight, your partner is better able to understand where you’re coming from, and vice versa.
4. You learn the art of compromise. When couples fight, they learn how to compromise with their partner, which is a valuable skill to have in all your relationships. You learn how to effectively reach a solution together that satisfies both parties, and allows you both to move forward.
5. It encourages intimacy. Partners that fight are able to remove a lot of the emotional barriers that would otherwise keep them from being more intimate with each other. Emotions and intimacy go hand-in-hand, so when you fight and get all your feelings out on the table, you’re able reduce the negative emotions (e.g., anger and frustration) and make room for more positive ones (e.g., consolation and intimacy).
6. It releases pent-up stress. A lot of fights between couples occur when they’re unable to communicate their feelings to the other. The stress and anxiety builds and builds, and often releases itself in the form of an argument. When you’re able to fight and finally relieve that stress, both you and your partner will be able to relax and communicate more effectively.
7. It strengthens your relationship. Couples that are able to bounce back from arguments enjoy stronger, healthier relationships. Why? Every time you endure a fight and come out on the other side, you prove to each other that you can tackle whatever is thrown your way, no matter how stressful. It allows partners to see the best and worst sides of each other, and helps to remind them time and again that they still love each other, in spite of their flaws.
