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Here’s the thing about people pleasers. People probably describe you as “super nice,” “selfless,” “kind,” “helpful,” and “supportive.”
And while you may be all those things and more, the truth of the matter is that being all those things is well, exhausting.
People pleasers are overly accommodating by nature. As one myself, I tend to always put others’ needs and wants before my own, to the point of compromising myself. Though I have gotten better at being less of a people pleaser as I get older, I still find myself falling into old habits and trying to please others, time and again.
So why do we as people pleasers do this? Why do we go to such extreme lengths when we know that people may take advantage of us and our kindness?
Because deep down, we want people to accept us.
Humans have always had the inherent need to be accepted by others. Being accepted by a group of people and staying in that group of people was what ensured our survival long ago in the times of our ancestors.
While there is nothing wrong to want to be accepted by others, it becomes a problem when we constantly seek approval and validation from others that they do, in fact, like and accept us.
While all of us should strive to help others and practice kindness every day, trying to please others to the point where we always put ourselves last is self-compromising and unhealthy.
If you’re a people pleaser too and wondering what you can do to change this, here are the most common people pleasing habits that you need to break.
10 people pleasing habits you need to break now
1. You sprinkle your sorrys around like fairy dust. You punctuate your sentences with “I’m sorry,” and you take full ownership of all the problems you come across, even if they belong to others. If someone complains about their boyfriend, their job, their life, etc., you find some way to apologize for it. The next time you’re tempted to apologize for something, just listen. You don’t have to take responsibility for others’ problems.
2. You want everyone to like you. Every person you come across you see as a potential friend, and what’s wrong with that? Well, nothing, except that not everyone is going to like you. When you try to be everyone’s friend, you quickly fall into the trap of trying to please them straight from the get-go.
3. You hate confrontation. You’re more of the “conflict-avoidant” type, and you often find yourself saying something to the effect of, “No worries! Everything’s fine. I’m not mad at all that you blew me off for the third time this month!” Confrontation is difficult for you, especially with closer friends.
4. You’re more of a therapist than a friend with your pals. Your friends and even close family members always come to you with their problems, because you give “such great advice.” You love being a supportive friend and you’re flattered by the fact that so many people trust you. But in all honesty, it’s purely exhausting when others constantly come to you for advice and help.
5. But you don’t want to bother anyone with your own problems. While you’re an excellent therapist to your friends, you have difficulty unloading your own problems and challenges to others. After all, you’re the one that’s supposed to have it all together, right? It wouldn’t be right to bother others with your own problems. Wrong! Try showing some vulnerability to your friends and asking for your help. A true friendship should have a balance of give and take, and if you’re always the only one that’s giving, what kind of friendship is that?
6. You always make yourself available for others (even when you know they won’t reciprocate). As a steadfast friend, there is nothing you wouldn’t do to help another pal out, and you always make yourself readily available to them. However, you often find your efforts go largely unreciprocated by your friends, leaving you to feel used. Try talking to your friend about the imbalance of reciprocity in your friendship if you find this is happening often. If you’ve tried talking to them and nothing has changed, it may be time to end the friendship.
7. It’s nearly impossible for you to tell others “No.” Do you find yourself instantly saying “Sure!” to others’ requests and demands without actually thinking it through? Start showing more value for your time (and for yourself) by actually saying “No” to others. When other people see that you are actually a busy person with important things to do, they’ll be less likely to demand so much from you.
8. You find it hard to ask for help. No matter how much you might be struggling, you always find it difficult to ask someone for help. You know that time is a precious commodity, and would hate to ask anyone to allocate their own time to help you out. If you’ve been stuck on something for a while and need help, put aside your people pleasing tendencies and just ask. More often than not, people are glad to help out because it makes them feel useful.
9. You don’t show people your true feelings. Whether you’re angry, sad, or frustrated, you tend to bottle up your feelings because you don’t want to come across as ungrateful, emotional, or sensitive. While you don’t want to have a bawling session in the break room at work, speak up when you feel compromised, and show a little vulnerability. If someone has offended or hurt you, you need to let them know that what they did was not ok. Don’t compromise yourself by silencing your self-expression.
10. You put others first because putting you first would be “selfish.” Do you find yourself often accommodating others’ needs before your own? People pleasers generally tend to self-sacrifice more often than not. They may rationalize this tendency with thoughts like, “I don’t want to be selfish,” or, “I’ll do this for myself later.” Stop putting off your own needs and wants, and take care of you first. If people see that you’re willing to compromise yourself to help them first, they’ll continue to use you and take advantage of your kindness. Put yourself first, and not only will you be practicing self-respect, but you’ll also be showing others how you want to be treated.
