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Taking criticism is hard enough to begin with, but knowing how to give constructive criticism to someone, especially someone you really care about, is downright tough.
No matter how strong you and your partner may be in your relationship, you’re bound to come across some points for improvement that need to be addressed.
It may be that they don’t share the load when it comes to cleaning your place.
Or that they sigh in annoyance when you ask them for help.
Such issues are absolutely normal in a relationship, and even healthy. That is, if they’re addressed in a constructive, supportive way.
(Read this to learn how arguing can actually benefit your relationship).
If you’re wanting to know how you can constructively deliver criticism and feedback to your partner, while also making your relationship stronger, here are 6 ways.
How to Give Constructive Criticism in a Relationship
1. Use the sandwich method. One of the most common techniques used to deliver criticism, the sandwich method is a great tool if you need to soften the blow. This method sandwiches the criticism between two positive aspects of your partner. For instance, your partner may be killing it at work, but the long hours are taking a toll on your relationship. You would love to see some of that same passion they show towards their work towards your relationship with them, too. In this way, you’re giving feedback to your partner that’s not strictly criticism, and shows them that you still appreciate all the wonderful things about them.
2. Shift the focus to the issue at hand. For many people (myself included), it’s hard enough to not take criticism personally in the first place. So when you’re giving criticism to your partner, be kind and make it all about the issue, and not about them as a person.
3. Avoid attacking their character. When giving constructive criticism, it’s completely counterproductive to attack the other person’s character. For example, telling them they’re a sorry excuse for a human won’t get you far in a conversation, and will only lead to hurt feelings and potentially irreversible damage.
4. Be supportive, not demanding. As you give feedback to your partner, it’s important to establish a level of equality that is supportive, and not superior. Meaning that you probably shouldn’t give them step-by-step instructions on how to fix a particular issue, as this may come off as condescending. This will only further exacerbate the issue, as well as cause an imbalance in the relationship. Instead, focus on their strengths as you give them feedback. For example, “You’re a fast learner and I know that when you set your mind to doing something, there is no stopping you.”
5. Keep your purpose in mind. No matter how well you plan out a conversation with someone in your mind, it most likely isn’t going to go exactly as you planned. As you navigate through the conversation, side notes and distractions are bound to come up. As tempting as it may be to address other problems and issues that are related (or not) to the problem at hand, try to keep your purpose in mind. It’s too overwhelming for someone that is receiving criticism to be criticized on multiple points, and likely none of it will stick when so many issues are addressed.
6. Show your vulnerability. Delivering constructive criticism isn’t just an opportunity for the other person to self-improve; it’s also a way to build trust in your relationship with them by showing vulnerability. Not everyone is perfect, and it’s your job to remind your partner of that when you give constructive feedback. One way to do that is to draw attention to your own shortcomings that you are working on. When you show vulnerability like this, the other person is less likely to be hurt or to become angry, and creates a supportive environment where you can both help each other to grow.
