In this post:
- Is your temper ruining your relationship?
- Reasons for anger in a relationship
- Can anger destroy a relationship?
- What anger does to a relationship
- How to overcome anger in a relationship
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Is Your Temper Ruining Your Relationships?
“Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else, yet you are the one who gets burned.”
-Buddha
Anger in relationships is very much the same way, and if it goes unchecked for long enough, the damage can become irreversible.
I’ve always been a pretty calm and collected person, but one job tested me in many ways I wasn’t prepared for. I was working in an exceptionally toxic environment (welcome to the world of entertainment) with crazy long hours, and was stressed as all get out. And when I got home some nights closer to midnight, I would be overtired and running on adrenaline, with an ever-shortening fuse.
It was not a good chapter of my life to say the least, primarily because it was also a rocky period with my husband.
With all the stress, lack of sleep, long hours, and often three hours spent commuting daily, my emotions translated into pure anger. I was angry at the world, the horrendous traffic of LA, at my work environment for doing this to me, at my choices that had gotten me into this job in the first place, and at my husband (though I had literally no legitimate reason to be angry at him). I would snap at the smallest things and blow everything way out of proportion.
My anger was ruining my relationship with him, and I felt just as powerless as he did at times. When he would ask me, “What’s really wrong?” I would break down, unable to explain why I felt so angry at him, and mad at myself for acting like this towards him, the person I love the most.
My husband was working (and still is) in a job that he is truly happy in and passionate about. He comes home every day close to 5 p.m. after a short commute, and in a content mood because of a job well done for the day.
Words cannot describe how happy I am for him to have found such meaningful work, and to feel so good about what he does every day…which is why it drove me practically insane when I would come home at 10 o’clock at night after an hour-long commute, stressed out about the most recent drama I would have dealt with at work that day, tired, unfulfilled, and knowing I was doing a job that I didn’t find meaningful.
I resented my husband and his success, and I resented myself for resenting him. So many nights when I would stay late at my office, I would actually put off going home until even later because I knew my rage was ruining my relationship with him, and yet I felt like a prisoner to my anger, unable to control or even fight it.
I still feel pangs of guilt and shame when I think about the things I said to him, how short my temper was, and how resentful I was towards him. Thankfully, I’ve made a few changes since (including switching jobs), that have helped to effectively stop the unhealthy habits of anger that I was developing, and our relationship is much healthier.
While there are many reasons people develop anger in their relationships, much of the time it can occur from being simply overwhelmed by circumstances that we feel we have no control over. For instance, in my case, I felt like a prisoner to my situation and completely isolated, and because of that my feelings translated into anger and volatility.
Reasons for Anger in a Relationship
Individuals can suffer from a variety of different forms of anger. Some of the most common are as follows:
- Passive anger. Anger that is not always apparent and may be “bottled up,” hence difficult to identify
- Overwhelmed anger. Anger that results from a strenuous or demanding lifestyle
- Chronic anger. Prolonged, consistent anger, which can affect one’s physical and psychological health over time
- Self-inflicted anger. Anger that is directed at one’s self through feelings of shame or guilt
- Volatile anger. Anger that can become violent with excessive, often unpredictable episodes of anger
- Judgmental anger. Anger that stems from resentment that is directed towards others
Can Anger Destroy a Relationship?
The short answer is yes, anger can ruin a relationship, or at the very least cause a lot of damage that may be permanent.
Sometimes though, anger itself is not the issue. Rather, how partners deal with each other’s anger, as well as their own, can be problematic. When you get caught up in a moment of anger, you might say or do something that you inherently feel is wrong, but you feel powerless to your behaviors. You say or do things you instantly regret, but yet you can’t capitulate and back down. This can lead to a cyclical nature of anger between you and your partner.
As a result, the effects of anger on relationships are far-reaching, and you continue down a path that becomes rougher every time you get angry, and with consequences that make it harder and harder to fix the damage your anger is causing.
Effects of Anger on Relationships
While fighting in relationships is healthy to an extent, prolonged anger complicates a relationship in many ways and brings accompanying emotions that can further worsen the effects of anger. If you’re experiencing anger in your relationship, or if your partner is demonstrating anger, here are some of the most common effects of anger on relationships you’ll experience:
- Lack of trust between you and your partner. When you get angry and lash out, it leads to fear and distrust between the two of you. They’re waiting for your next angry response, and you’re waiting for them to judge you on your response. And if there are consistent, angry outbursts involved, eventually your partner will be unable to trust you and your emotions, as you’ll appear unstable and unable to handle your anger.
- Distance and resentment. Whether you’re one to yell when you’re angry and show your emotions loudly, or if you prefer to bottle up your anger and let your frustrations simmer, anger in any form can lead to distance and resentment. You’ll both want to spend less time with each other because of the potential for fighting, and you’ll both resent each other for the distance that creates.
- Frustration and tension. Often when we fight with someone, the anger and emotions go unresolved, leading to constant frustration and tension between the two of you. It can make even the smallest interactions stressful and difficult, and can shorten your fuse with all the built-up tension.
- Lack of intimacy. If you’re experiencing anger in your romantic relationship, anger can quickly put out the fire and lead to a lack of intimacy. This is also in part because of the lack of trust that stems from anger.
It may be that you’re experiencing predominately one of these side effects of anger in a relationship, or all of them. If you can identify with any one of these, it’s important to take active steps to reduce your anger in your interactions with your partner, as letting these side effects build up over time will only lead to more and more damage. Fortunately, there are ways to overcome the effects of anger on relationships.
How to Overcome the Effects of Anger On Relationships
Overcoming anger in a relationship is key to getting your relationship back on a healthier, happier track. Many individuals believe that to overcome anger, they need to avoid the emotion of anger. However, avoidance of certain emotions can actually worsen the original emotion over time, so I would advise not trying to avoid anger in your relationship.
Instead, use these strategies to overcome your anger, and to help translate your anger into healthier patterns of communication with your partner. Sometimes, anger develops into an awful habit that gets harder to break with time. By substituting these new, healthier habits into your reactions and emotions, you’ll be able to break your angry habits soon enough, and start enjoying your relationships more.
1. When you feel yourself getting angry, slow yourself down. So much of the time when we get angry, our emotions literally spiral out of control and everything happens so fast. What we say or do becomes a blur, and leads to shame and regret later on. When you feel yourself getting angry, take a deep breath and count to 10. Slow your breathing down, collect your thoughts, and think about what you want to say.
2. Be honest about how you feel. If you’re angry, let your partner know that you are rather than trying to cover up how you feel. Have you ever shaken a can of soda until it threatened to explode? Or worse, did it actually explode? Leaving your true emotions hidden will only lead to an outburst later, so get your feelings out into the open so you can start a dialogue between you and your partner.
3. Use “I” language more than “You.” When we’re angry, it’s easy to want to shift the blame to another person. “You made me feel this way.” “If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t be angry.” Instead, phrase your language with more “I.” “I’m angry because X happened.” “I feel angry because I expected things to work out differently.”
4. Listen to what your partner has to say. Your partner is the person who knows you best, and they’re someone that’s there to help you be the best version of yourself. Listen to what they have to say, or see if they have any advice to help you cope better.
5. Take a break or “time out.” When you get angry and feel the emotion building, ask your partner for a break and have them do the same if they are angry or upset, as well. Sometimes its best to delay the conversation until you’ve collected your thoughts and feel calm enough to talk about it.
6. Ask yourself what external factors are coming into play. When we repeatedly lash out with anger for seemingly no reason, it is most likely because there are other things influencing our well-being. Is your job too demanding? Are you feeling overwhelmed with everything else going on in your life? It could be that you’re not actually angry at your partner, but rather the circumstances that feel beyond your control.
7. Realize that no one else has the power to “make” you angry. So much of the time when we are angry, we attribute it to someone else that “made” us angry. While it’s true that someone can say or do something that annoys or frustrates us, the truth is that you are angry because that’s how you responded to them. No one forced you to get angry, though. Just as you can choose to be angry, you can also choose to not be angry.
8. After your anger settles, ask yourself, “What did I learn from this?” Every time we mess up or get angry, it’s an opportunity to better ourselves by learning from the experience. Ask yourself what you could have done differently, and what you’ll do next time a similar situation arises. There’s always a chance to improve our future behaviors, but reflecting on our past behaviors is key.
9. Embrace empathy. Sometimes the easiest way to dissolve our anger is by moving beyond ourselves, and into the shoes of the other person. How do they feel about all this? How is your behavior affecting them? Show kindness and concern, even when you feel angry.
