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When Your Friend is a Flake
We’ve all had that one friend that habitually cancels last minute, is a no-show more often than not, and literally flakes on us at every given opportunity.
The first, or even the second time that this happens is ok, but we can’t help but take it personally when it just keeps happening.
As a loyal friend and die-hard planner, I would rather give up my yoga pants for life before flaking on someone, and it’s beyond me as to why/how people can be so flakey. After all, if they didn’t want to see you in the first place, why couldn’t they have just said so?
For us non-flakers, flakey people just don’t make sense. Spending time with friends is something fun, something to look forward to. And when we make plans with our pals, we want to stick to them and have a wonderful, fantastic time, Goddamnit!
I had a friend-turned-boyfriend throughout college that was a perpetual flaker. I should have known that his tendency of flaking as a friend would drive me bonkers later on in our romantic relationship, but I guess it took me a while to learn that lesson.
Early on in our friendship days, before we officially became boyfriend/girlfriend, there was nothing I wouldn’t do for him. I can remember going to extreme lengths to cook him his favorite meals, often spending most of the day just prepping and making sure everything would be cooked to perfection. The hour of his planned arrival would come and go, and he would be a no-show. No text. No call. Nothing. Like an idiot, I would wait in the kitchen, trying to keep everything all ready for serving for over two hours before I realized, he’s not coming.
He was great at making promises, as most flakers are. He could make you feel like you were the only person in the world when you talked to him, and the sincerity with which he spoke would convince you of anything that came out of his mouth.
But he was a habitual flaker, and it drove me absolutely insane. I learned a lot from that relationship, particularly about what I definitely didn’t want to have in my future friendships and romantic relationships (silver lining, I guess).
Non-flakers are the people who still have hope for the human race. We want to see the best in people, and we totally understand that life gets chaotic for our friends, which can make them well, a bit absentminded. They can’t help that, after all!
Actually, they can. Flakers are great at making excuses. And what’s worse, they even convince us non-flakers to buy into these excuses. Friends that flake and flake often are showing disrespect towards you and your time, and they’re ultimately harming themselves, as a result.
Sure, their life may get chaotic at times. But doesn’t yours, as well? Yet you’re still able to make time for them, and your time is just as important as theirs.
While I don’t think all those that flake are acting out of malice, such spontaneous, noncommittal behavior does indeed reveal a lot about their lack of conscientiousness.
Curious as to why your friend may be acting so flakey? Here are a few reasons as to why some people are prone to flaking out on others.
5 Possible Reasons For Why Your Friend Is So Flakey
1. They have difficulty saying no. Some people are just incapable of telling others no, especially their friends. So they’ll say yes at the first invitation, but then turn you down later, often waiting until the last minute. Why, you ask? They may feel guilty saying no at first and will say yes to avoid any real or perceived conflict. But later on, they’ll come up with some excuse to get out of going.
2. They’re not self-aware. A lot of flakers, especially those that are younger, are not self-aware enough to know what their behaviors look like to others. They may truly have every intention of following through at the start, but as the hour looms closer, they’ll back out, not realizing how flakey they look.
3. They have poor time-management skills. Flakey people often just don’t know how to manage their time properly, so they compromise both themselves and others, as a result.
4. They’re people-pleasers. You may not realize this, but people-pleasers often masquerade as perpetual flakers. Flakers may say yes to please everyone, but then end up overextending themselves and then cancel last minute.
5. They may intentionally be avoiding you. While this isn’t always the case, it could very well be that your habitual flaker-friend doesn’t want to hang out with you anymore. There’s no good or easy way to end a friendship, and they may think that by avoiding you, you’ll get the hint.
While these reasons are not meant to be valid excuses for someone’s flakey behavior, they may help to shed light on why your friend is acting like this to begin with. Such behavior, while seemingly hurtful towards just you, can be far more damaging to themselves, though. Not being able to follow through on what they say or promise is self-handicapping behavior, and ultimately harms their ability to form strong, trusting relationships with not just you, but everyone that’s important to them.
If their behavior is consistently flakey and they continue to disrespect your time, it may be time to have an honest heart-to-heart with them.
For a more in-depth look as to why people are so flakey, check out this article.
