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What is Narcissistic Gaslighting?
Narcissistic gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where a narcissist uses gaslighting techniques to manipulate or distort the truth as a means of controlling someone.
It allows the narcissist to feel completely in control, as well as superior to someone else.
Narcissists love control, and they’ll do just about anything to attain it. In fact, a narcissist’s entire personality is nothing more than a tightly controlled and contrived persona they’ve cultivated that may come across as grandiose or exceptionally conceited. However, it’s only a mask that veils the person they truly are.
This is why narcissism and gaslighting is possibly the worst combination of qualities in a relationship.
A narcisissist, who is already full of self-importance, will often utilize gaslighting methods on others to maintain whatever narrative they’ve concocted for themselves. This is all because their ego is so fragile that any other story or reality different from their own could be damaging to their sense of self.
My experience with narcissistic gaslighting in a relationship was short-lived, thankfully.
I had met this guy at a friend’s party, and we hit it off right away. He was exceptionally charming and intelligent (as every narcissist is).
After a couple of dates, though, something seemed off about him. One moment he would be extraordinarily charismatic and romantic, but then the smallest of things (e.g., slow service at a restaurant) would set him off like a bomb. His emotions would swing from one extreme to another, which was quite unnerving.
On my first (and also last) visit to his apartment, something happened. Something bad. He was giving me a tour of his place and showing me the guest room where he had a beautiful, antique wooden bureau. When I stepped closer to admire it, something caught my eye. It was peeking out from one of the drawers, and it was pink. Curious, I pulled it a little from the drawer, and realized it was a pair of pink, lacy panties.
Turning around, I asked him point blank what was going on. I could tell he was hiding something.
Then he exploded.
Amidst all the yelling and accusations, I caught the words, “ex-wife,” and, “still married.” And how critical I was for, “judging him.”
“Wait, you’re married? Still married?” I asked, still trying to understand what the hell was going on.
“Of course I’m still married! I told you that!” he yelled. By this point, I felt like my eyes were about to pop out of my head from all the shock. He never told me he was married. I would have never dated him in the first place had I known he was married.
While he continued to scream and throw hurtful accusations about how I was ‘judging’ him and that I never listened to him, I calmly grabbed my purse and left as quickly as possible.
Although I could have done without that experience, I learned a lot from that ill-fated relationship.
Everything I thought I knew about him had been entirely false. The thoughtful, romantic, charming, single man was actually a short-tempered, egotistical, and married man. He had completely distorted the facts about his own life and, when I discovered that, he accused me of not remembering these significant details, and tried to convince me that he had indeed told me about his marriage.
Things started to add up then. I remembered how angry he would act if he felt criticized in any way, and how he would turn things around and openly (and cruelly) criticize someone else. Additionally, he would regularly deny reality and rewrite history. More than once, I can remember him telling me he would call me after work. When he didn’t call and I would bring it up later, he would say, “I never said that. You told me you’d call me. You must have forgotten again.”
These examples, as you’ll read more about below, are just some of the ways a narcissistic gaslighter controls someone else. They persistently try to brainwash the other person so that they begin to doubt themselves, which can lead to a loss of identity and self-worth over time, which only gives the narcissist more control over them.
Although I was quick to leave the relationship the moment I realized he was married, it’s easy to see how someone could become trapped in a relationship like this. And the longer it goes on, the harder it can be to leave, especially with dwindling self-esteem and confidence.
This is why it’s so important to identify narcissist gaslighting early on before too much damage occurs.
Related: 6 Things That Happen in a Relationship Without Trust
So what are narcissist gaslighting examples? Keep reading to learn how you can identify a narcissistic gaslighter.
10 Examples of Narcissistic Gaslighting
- Playing the blame game. Laying all the blame on someone else is a prime example of narcissistic gaslighting. For instance, say they were denied a job after a job interview. A narcissistic gaslighter may blame their partner for why they didn’t get the job, saying something like, “I didn’t get it because you put too much pressure on me.” They wouldn’t take the job denial as an opportunity for self-reflection or self-improvement, and would rather blame someone else for the outcome.
- Outright lying or distorting the facts. Narcissistic gaslighters often resort to outright lying or distorting the facts as a means of manipulating someone. For example, say they were meant to attend their partner’s holiday work party, but blew it off and didn’t attend (though they’ve known about the party for weeks). Later that night, their partner expresses frustration for having been blown off. A narcissistic gaslighter wouldn’t own up to their actions for not attending, but instead may lie or distort the truth and tell their partner, “You never told me about any holiday party. How can you blame me for not attending something I didn’t even know about? This is your fault for not telling me.” Manipulating their partner to feel self-doubt, guilt, or shame like this is a classic example of narcissistic gaslighting.
- Making false accusations. Narcissistic gaslighters often resort to making false accusations to make someone else feel inferior to them. Though narcissistic gaslighters like to portray themselves as strong and untouchable, their egos are exceptionally fragile and easily bruised. Consequently, they try to weaken those around them, and they can become aggressive, especially when they feel criticized. They often vacillate between two extremes when they feel attacked, either doubling down and making even harsher accusations, or abruptly leaving (a type of passive-aggression). More often than not though, they’ll dig their heels in and make more accusations in an attempt to intimidate the other person. For example, say their partner tries to have an honest conversation with them about being more open and forthcoming about their feelings. The narcissistic gaslighter, feeling attacked, may turn things around and say, “I don’t open up to you because you’re so judgmental and critical. How could I open up to someone like you? I can’t ever trust you.” Turning it around to the other person and attacking them like this is a common tactic narcissistic gaslighters use.
- Using intimidation tactics. Intimidation comes in many forms: threatening, bullying, coercion, etc. When someone uses tactics like these in a relationship though, they’re trying to weaken their partner’s beliefs or stance so they can further manipulate them.
- Withholding information. One common trait of narcissistic gaslighters is that they often withhold the truth, which can be as damaging as lying. For example, they may purposely omit specific details or facts that are critical to their partner’s understanding of a situation, as a way of confusing them. For example, say they went out after work for a few drinks, but they didn’t want their partner to know. They may say they simply stayed at the office after work, “to tie up some loose ends,” rather than admitting to where they had been. This is how a narcissistic gaslighter completely takes control of the narrative and keeps their partner in the dark.
- Denying their partner’s emotions. Narcissistic gaslighters often deny or invalidate their partner’s emotions. For example, after making a harsh accusation and hurting their partner’s feelings, a narcissistic gaslighter may tell their partner, “You’re overly sensitive,” or, “Stop overreacting.” They minimize the other’s feelings to make them feel small and/or weak, so they can further control the situation.
- Using damaging and hurtful language. Words have power, and narcissistic gaslighters embrace this truth. They also lack empathy entirely and are likely to dismiss their partner’s feelings by telling them, “You’re crazy.” They will seize upon their partner’s weaknesses or vulnerabilities—whatever they may be—to try to control them. For example, say a person in a relationship was previously bullied in school. Their partner, who knows all the details about this, may use this knowledge to bully them more since they know it’s a trigger for them. They may say, “No wonder people picked on you in school—you’re pathetic.” Hurtful comments like this may target their partner’s appearance, their actions, etc. to make them feel weak and alone.
- Withholding love and/or affection. Another common trait of a narcissist gaslighter is withholding love and/or affection from their partner if their partner does not comply with their demands or agree with them. They’ll give the ‘cold shoulder’ and distance themselves (physically and/or emotionally), often refusing to even acknowledge their partner as a means of control.
- Isolating their partner from those who matter most. If you haven’t figured it out already, narcissists gaslighter love control, and what better way to do that than isolating their partner from everyone that truly matters to them? Removing the influence of family and close friends—who may disagree with the relationship—ensures absolute control over their partner. Often, they’ll openly discourage their partner from seeing their friends and family, and may even move with their partner to a new city or state just to remove any external influences.
- Ignoring reality and/or rewriting history. This is a tactic often employed to deflect any blame in a narcissistic gaslighting relationship. There are many ways in which this can happen, but narcissistic gaslighters most commonly either deny an event (or events) that happened, or they pretend like it never happened at all. This is all done to confuse their partner and gain control of the situation. For example, say a partner had an outburst with their spouse’s closest friend, in which they were rude and aggressive towards them. The next day after things had cooled off, their spouse wanted to talk to them about what happened. However, their partner acts as though nothing happened at all, saying, “What are you talking about? I never said that. I didn’t do that.” This denial of reality allows them to decide what the narrative is.
Breaking Free From a Narcissistic Gaslighter
If you can identify with the above examples, I would encourage you to seek support from those you’re closest to, and also consider enlisting the help of a therapist. It’s important to lean on people who can not only validate your feelings, but also help you to spot those warning signs of narcissistic gaslighting.
Remembering your self-worth is also key when dealing with a narcissistic gaslighter. A gaslighting narcissist, if given the opportunity, will persistently try to grind away at your self-worth. Meditation, therapy, self-care, and staying close to your friends and family are some of the best ways to reconnect with yourself and strengthen your self-confidence.
Lastly, forget ever trying to “fix” a narcissistic gaslighter. Though change is possible for anyone, change must come from within someone who truly wants to change. It’s up to them to initiate that change, not you.
For more tips on how to identify narcissistic gaslighting, check out this article.
