8 Ways to Overcome Resentment in Relationships

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What Builds Resentment in a Relationship?

When it comes to resentment in relationships, we have all felt it at some point.

Whether it’s been between you and a family member, between you and a friend, or even between you and your significant other, resentment can occur in any relationship.

Resentment is the feeling that arises when you feel someone has wronged or injured you in some way. Their words or actions that have made you feel wronged may have never been intentional, but have caused you to feel hurt, disappointment, or taken advantage of.

For example, say your friend makes a passing comment that sounds judgmental. Try as you might, you can’t help but feel criticized or judged, or even embarrassed by the comment they made. The resentment builds and builds and you find yourself trusting your friend less and less over time.

Alternatively, say your significant other always has an excuse for you to not meet their family. At first you can buy their excuses. But as time goes on and the excuses continue, you begin to feel deeply hurt and resentful that they don’t want you to meet their family.

It’s a festering, negative feeling that only builds over time and, if not confronted, it can lead to permanent damage in a relationship.

What are the Signs of Resentment?

When resentment in relationships goes unchecked, it leads to a cascade of other negative consequences. Here are some of the most common signs of resentment:

Internalizing and replaying the event in your mind. When we feel resentment, we often become trapped in a cycle where we keep mentally replaying the event that initially caused the resentment.
Feeling regret. Do you wish you had acted differently? Do you think you could have prevented this resentment somehow? Feeling remorse like this often occurs with resentment in a relationship.
Feeling negative emotions. When left unchecked, resentment can spiral into anger or bitter feelings that spill over into other areas of your life.
Resorting to passive aggressive behavior. When you try to suppress negative emotions, such as resentment, it continues to boil in the background and usually spills over when you least expect it. Making sarcastic or rude remarks, or showing less empathy overall are all signs of passive aggression.
Avoidance. If the event was triggering or particularly stressful, this can lead to a tendency to avoid the person or any similar situation that comes up in the future.

Do any of these signs sound familiar? If so, it’s important to tackle these emotions head-on, as letting the resentment grow will only continue to make your life more challenging. Learn how to deal with resentment in relationships with these 8 techniques.

8 Ways to Overcome Resentment in Relationships

Address triggering events right away. To avoid resentment in relationships in the first place, try to address challenges as they arise. For example, say your partner makes a comment about your outfit that comes off as rude. Instead of letting the comment bother you for days on end, get down to the bottom of it right away. Ask your partner, “What did you mean when you said that?” Clearing the issue immediately will stop any resentment from occurring in the first place.
Stop the cycle of untruths and replace with the facts. So much of what we feel and see in our heads is exactly that: in our heads. While you shouldn’t just dismiss your emotions, take the time to sort through them. So many of our emotions surface from fears or insecurities. Ask yourself: is what you’re feeling reflective of reality or the facts? Did you perhaps interpret something someone else said because you may be sensitive about whatever topic they were discussing? Is it possible you could give them some benefit of the doubt? Take time to ground yourself and remind yourself of the truth.
Take the time to figure out what exactly is bothering you. For resentment that has been ongoing, it’s important to identify precisely what is bothering you. So rather than extrapolating the issue and finding everything that’s wrong with your partner, go back to what originally caused you to feel this way. Was it a comment they made? Did they blow you off or not make time for you? Identify the event where this resentment started.
Examine your role in how this resentment began. Resentment takes two to tango, and trying to pin all the blame on your partner will only worsen the entire situation. Reflect on what you could have done differently. Could you have given your partner the benefit of the doubt? Could you have talked to them sooner and let them know how you felt? Acknowledge any and all areas where you can improve.
Communicate with your partner. Once you’ve identified where things went wrong and your own areas for improvement, it’s time to talk it out with your partner. This doesn’t need to be a stressful event. Your goal is to let them know how their words or actions made you feel, and how you’ve reflected on the situation. Give them the chance to explain what they truly meant and what their intentions were, while also letting them know what you could have done differently.
Remember what first drew you to your partner. When you first met your partner, what drew you to them? Was it their sweet smile? How they were so passionate about their job? Or how they attentively listened to you? More than likely, your partner hasn’t undergone a personality change since you first met. Reflect on these defining qualities of your partner and remember what’s good about them. No one wants to be defined by their mistakes.
Forgive them. While forgiving someone else inherently makes it sound like the other person is receiving all the benefit, in reality it’s you that has the most to gain from being able to forgive. When you choose to forgive someone, no matter what kind of resentment you’ve felt towards them, you’re choosing to let go of that burden and weight. Making the choice to forgive is like getting the green light to finally move forward. How much freer would you feel if you could let go and forgive?
Consider therapy. If you’re still struggling with letting go of your resentment, a therapist can be a great starting point to move forward. They can teach you techniques to not only let go of your resentment, but also on how to handle future scenarios that may be triggering for you.