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How Being Undervalued and Disrespected Affects Us
Have you ever felt undervalued? Underappreciated? Or worse: disrespected? It’s a terrible, demeaning feeling that can leave even the mightiest of us feeling quite small and insignificant. Many of us feel like we aren’t treated with the respect we deserve. Maybe it’s because we’re “too nice” (I’ve heard that before), “too distant,” or “overly accommodating.” Whatever the reason, we all want people to respect and appreciate us, whether it’s in our personal or professional lives.
At one of my previous jobs, I quickly earned the reputation of being “too nice.” My boss was always telling me I needed to instill fear in my clients to make them respect me. While I could be firm when the situation arose, I usually tended towards the “killing with kindness” attitude.
One day, my boss followed up on a few deliverables that were due from one of my client groups, a group that had been slow to deliver in the past. I told him I would send the results over shortly, as they had submitted these deliverables that very morning. As he walked away, he called over his shoulder,
“Remember, they have to fear you, Heather.” To which I called back to him,
“Yes, but killing with kindness works, too.” Just then, my boss’ secretary walked by, but paused at my desk. Looming over me, and in a voice just quiet enough so that only I could hear her in the busy office, she said,
“Killing with kindness? And how’s that working out for you, Heather?” Her voice dripped with condescension and sarcasm. Before I could respond, she walked away, giving me a sly smile over her shoulder. With just those few words, I felt like I had been smacked across the face.
Sure, I had been told I was “too nice” at work before when I held the door open for someone, or when I remembered their birthday, but this time it was not a compliment. Rather, it was a blatant show of disrespect towards the way I am, and how I treated others.
Whatever the situation, whether it involves our job, our significant other, our parents, we have all felt judged, disrespected, and taken for granted at some point.
Maybe you’ve been taken advantage of by a colleague or in your personal relationships, or you have a habit of accommodating others’ needs before your own, but it’s important to ensure that your interactions with others are healthy and respectful so that you don’t compromise your values or yourself. Below are the most effective practices to earn the respect, appreciation, and admiration you deserve.
How to Make Others Respect and Admire You
1. Practice self-respect. Having respect for yourself and your values immediately sends the message to others that they need to respect you, too. If you show others that you’re willing to compromise yourself and your beliefs, they’ll mirror your behaviors and try to do the same to you. You have to set the example first that you do in fact respect yourself, and they’ll follow suit.
2. Say “no” MORE.
Learning how to say “no” to others’ requests and demands may be the simplest, quickest way of garnering respect from others. While this doesn’t mean that you should always fire off a “NO!” when someone asks you something, the line is quickly and easily crossed if you tend to be overly accommodating and helpful towards others. If you are someone that says “yes” to a request before thinking, practice saying no the next time you feel like you’re being taken for granted. You don’t always have to try to please others by always saying “yes.” By showing respect for your own time and efforts, rather than doling out both like candy, others will respect you and your time, instead of taking advantage of it.
3. Stop trying to please everyone. I’m a people pleaser by nature, and this is an area I still need to work on. We try to please others for a number of reasons, but primarily it comes down to the fact that deep down, we desire their approval and their acceptance, so that we can in turn approve and accept ourselves. The thing is, we don’t actually need anyone’s approval to accept ourselves. One of the best quotes I’ve heard on this topic perfectly exemplifies my point here: “Relinquish your need for approval. There is great freedom in that choice.” Choosing to accommodate your own needs and desires instead of trying to please others will instantly build your self-respect for your own needs, as well as respect from others. Once others see that you aren’t trying to please them by continually giving your time and compassion to them, and that you don’t care whether you have their approval or not, they’ll be less likely to take those qualities for granted, and more likely to respect you.
4. Don’t take responsibility for others’ feelings. So many of the decisions we make on a daily basis are made with other peoples’ feelings in mind. We may be more concerned about how others will react to what we say or do, to the point where our own feelings become less and less important. When this happens frequently, this builds a co-dependent relationship where other people’s feelings and happiness becomes your responsibility and cross to bear. While we should always strive to be considerate and conscientious, feeling obligated to do things for others to spare any hurt feelings can compromise our own feelings and values. As long as we are being reasonable and fair towards others, remember that you are not responsible for how other people feel. If you say no to someone’s requests or demands and their feelings are hurt or they don’t like it, they can deal with it. Keep in mind that by doing this, you’re showing them how you would like to be treated: with respect.
5. Draw your line in the sand. Gaining the respect of others also comes down to setting your own boundaries, and drawing that line in the sand so that they see how far they can go. People can be ungrateful, and for some of them, the more you give, the less they appreciate what you offer to them. After all, why should anyone value you or what you’re offering when the taking is so easy, and your offerings seem limitless? Draw your line in the sand as to how far your generosity and giving goes, and limit your giving to those who take advantage of you. If anyone complains or expresses dissatisfaction in the fact that you’ll no longer cater to their every demand, you’re dodging a bullet by ending your unappreciated service to them.
6. Stop apologizing for when you do nothing wrong. When we come across uncomfortable or difficult situations, we tend to apologize for the tiniest details. “I’m sorry, but I think (insert opinion here).” “I’m sorry, but I can’t (name activity here).” I’m sorry, but I disagree with you.” Stop apologizing for how you feel, for your mere presence, for not wanting to acquiesce to their request, or for simply saying no. It’s not wrong for you to feel a certain way, or to disagree with anyone. By simply stating how you feel or what you think, but without an apology, you’re letting others know that you’re strong in your beliefs, and that you respect yourself enough to not apologize for how you feel.
7. Keep your word. The fastest way to lose respect from others is to not follow through on what you promise. Be someone that others can count on when you say you’ll do something, and you’ll earn their respect.
