In this post:
- The silent treatment
- What does the silent treatment mean in relationships?
- The psychological effects of the silent treatment
- How to deal with the silent treatment in your relationship
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The Silent Treatment
When someone really irks or bothers us, we’re often told that the best course of action is to “ignore them.”
Think back to your playground days. Do you remember that annoying kid that always made faces at you? That always tattled on you? I can bet your parents probably advised you to “just ignore them.”
Why?
Because ignoring usually works. When we choose to disregard someone and their actions, it can actually cause behavioral changes in the perpetrator. When the perpetrator realizes that what they’re doing isn’t having the desired effect, they’ll question their behaviors and hopefully reflect on them.
In a relationship though, ignoring or giving the silent treatment to your partner can have severe, potentially irreparable consequences.
What Does the Silent Treatment Mean in Relationships?
The silent treatment involves the demand-withdraw pattern. This is what happens when one partner makes constant requests or demands of the other, but is met with denial again and again. This denial is usually expressed by ignoring the other partner, which is known as the silent treatment.
We’re all guilty of giving someone the silent treatment at some point, though we know it’s a childish behavior to resort to. So why do we do it anyways?
When our feelings are hurt but we’re unwilling to talk about them, we often resort to the silent treatment. It usually has nothing to do with the fight at hand, and instead is something we do when we need to feel like we’re in control of something, even if it’s merely our ability to speak (or not). We try to seize control of the relationship by giving the cold shoulder, which results in a resentful powerful struggle.
Resorting to the silent treatment often seems like the only option when we’re fighting. After all, wouldn’t it be better to simply not say anything at all rather than lashing out with cruel, damaging words that we’ll never be able to take back?
While it can seem like a relatively harmless approach to take during an argument, the psychological effects of the silent treatment are actually quite extensive.
The Psychological Effects of the Silent Treatment
- It’s emotionally traumatizing. When someone ignores us, it can bring about many negative emotions. Along with feeling angry and frustrated, it can even cause depression in partners, as well as feelings of isolation and guilt. Such feelings, or most likely a combination of these emotions, can lead someone to feel unloved, worthless, and devalued.
- It’s physically painful. When we’re experiencing emotional strife, our brains are activated in the same way that we respond to physical pain. This means that someone that is experiencing the silent treatment can actually suffer from a range of physical ailments. Insomnia, anxiety, and unexplained stomach pains are just a few of the symptoms that someone can experience from the silent treatment.
- It causes self-doubt. When we’re given the silent treatment, we become hyper focused on what we’re doing wrong (even if we have done nothing wrong). We may worry that something is wrong with us, or that we have a severe character flaw. We may doubt ourselves and others’ motives, become less trusting, and feel immense guilt over nothing. It causes us to act in ways that we normally wouldn’t otherwise.
- It spells doom for the relationship. Research has shown that couples that employ the silent treatment often are more likely to divorce later on down the road. The silent treatment causes a deep, painful chasm in a relationship, and with time and frequency, this chasm can further deepen. Both partners become more and more emotionally isolated from one another, and it becomes harder for them to find a way to communicate and fix the issue.
Given these harmful psychological effects of the silent treatment, it’s no wonder that giving the cold shoulder can cause so much damage in a relationship. What’s worse is that many couples are completely unaware of just how dangerous it is to engage in such behaviors.
So what should you do if you’re facing the cold shoulder with your partner? How do you respond to the silent treatment in your own relationship?
How to Deal with the Silent Treatment in Your Relationship
1. Stay calm and set the example worth following. While it often seems like the only way to respond to the cold shoulder is by showing them how angry you are, it can make the other clam up even more. Show your partner that you’re not angry, and remain calm no matter how much they’re testing your patience. They’ll be much more likely to open up if you’re calm and composed, rather than angry and spiteful.
2. Try to understand where they’re coming from. Many times when partners resort to the silent treatment, they’re not doing it to be malicious, but only because they don’t know how to communicate with you effectively. They may also be hesitant to share their true feelings if they’re worried you’ll get angry. Keep this in mind so you can temper your words with patience and empathy.
3. Don’t let their behaviors get the best of you. Show your partner that their behaviors aren’t getting the best of you, and don’t play into their game. Instead, act like you haven’t even noticed their silent treatment. By showing that you’re unaffected, you’re proving to them that they can’t use the silent treatment as an effective weapon against you.
4. Be straightforward when you speak to them. When they’re finally ready to talk to you, be gentle, yet direct. Tell them how their behavior makes you feel, and use more “I” than “you” language. Let them know that you sincerely care about them and you want to solve problems by talking them out, not by ignoring each other. You don’t want them to feel attacked, but you need to let them know that their behaviors are damaging to your relationship with them.
5. Draw your line in the sand. Let your partner know your boundaries when they ignore you. Just because they aren’t speaking doesn’t mean they aren’t listening to you. Let them know that you can’t be in a relationship where you’re manipulated and ignored, and that silence should never be used as a weapon against you. Give them time to digest what you’ve said, and then try to open up a dialogue with them about your boundaries. If your boyfriend or girlfriend refuses to listen to you still, and continues to give you the cold shoulder, you should end the relationship. You deserve better.
6. Consider seeing a therapist. Sometimes it’s necessary to have an intermediary between you and your partner if you simply can’t find a way to communicate. There’s no shame in seeing a therapist, especially if you truly want the relationship to work and be healthy. If your partner refuses to see a therapist with you, see one by yourself. A professional will be able to diagnose the problem in more detail, and may have some ideas for improving communication between you and your partner.
Having to endure the silent treatment in your relationship can be isolating. If it continues to persist and you’ve tried all these listed items and more, it’s time to reevaluate your life and what your needs are, and whether you should stay in this toxic relationship. Put yourself first. You are worthy of being loved and respected.
