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When you reflect on your own life, how much of your time has gone towards others simply for the sole purpose of wanting to please everyone?
When I think about my life, I know I’ve spent far too much time trying to make sure other people liked me. That I fit in with others. Or that I was going out of my way to please others.
So what’s exactly wrong with being a people pleaser?
The problem with falling into people pleasing habits like these is that you’re ultimately harming yourself by creating a reliance on others to both accept and validate you, so that you in turn can then accept and validate yourself.
The truth of the matter though is that you don’t have to keep these habits up, and you can even make it so that you don’t have to rely on others to validate you to feel better about yourself. In fact, you’ll feel far better about yourself if you don’t try to please others as much, and ultimately let go of these tendencies.
How to let go of your need for approval and acceptance from others.
Here are five simple ways to curb your people pleasing tendencies.
5 Ways to Curb Your People Pleasing Tendencies
1. Be honest about what you like and don’t like, and what you will and will not do. When it comes to cutting the habit of trying to please others, the first thing you should focus on is simply being honest with both yourself and others. For instance, if you always find yourself saying “Yes” to people’s requests when you really want to say, “No,” then you’re not being transparent about your needs and wants. Pretending or even faking that something is ok with you when it’s not will only work against you in the long run, and ultimately creates the perception that you’re never going to say “No” to others. This means that people are more likely to take advantage of your seemingly unending generosity. Rather than letting this happen, just be honest about your boundaries. If you don’t want to do something because you simply don’t have the time or there are other things you need to focus on more, just let them know. For example, saying “I simply don’t have the time this week,” or “I have too much on my plate at this time” are both legitimate excuses that no one can argue with, and if they do, well, then it’s their problem, not yours.
2. Separate yourself from others’ opinions about you. So much of the time we try to please others because we worry that their opinion of us will change. We go out of our way-sometimes bending over backwards- to keep up with appearances, and to ensure that others maintain their opinion of us. Seeking constant validation from others like this make us prisoners to others’ opinions, and prevents us from acting in ways that are consistent with our values and beliefs. Remind yourself that others’ opinions of you are not what defines you, and believing in this is what sets you free from their judgments, and also from your people pleasing tendencies.
3. Practice self-acceptance. We often fall into the trap of believing that it’s up to others to make us happy, to make us feel loved, to make us feel cherished. In reality though, the only person that can do that is yourself. Learning to love ourselves completely isn’t something that’s selfish or narcissistic. Rather, it’s critical to our own self-acceptance, and ultimately it makes it so that we don’t have to rely on others to bring us happiness or validation for who we are.
4. Show yourself the level of respect you deserve. For better or for worse, humans are wired to mirror the emotions and behaviors of others, so if you have any self-disrespecting disrespect habits, you can bet that others will mirror your behaviors. For example, if you continually make jokes at your expense (e.g., use self-deprecating humor), others will see that since it’s ok that you’re doing it to yourself, they can do it to you, too. Similarly, if you show others that you don’t value your time enough to say “No” to others demands, they will begin to devalue your time and take advantage of it, as well. You have to set the standards for how you want to be treated. You have to let others know how much you respect yourself if you want them to respect you.
5. Value only the opinions of a few, and ditch the rest. When you think of the people you value most in your life, who do you think of? Is it your sister? Your parents? Your spouse? Your Bff? Think of the people that are most important to you in your life, the ones that are your cheerleaders. These are the people that matter most, and really the only ones whose opinions actually matter. And for the rest of the people out there, forget about them. You simply can’t and won’t please everyone out there, so why try? Value the opinions of those in your inner circle, and ditch the rest.
