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Why the No-Contact Rule is So Important After a Breakup
After a breakup, the no-contact rule can sound a bit extreme. After all, you dedicated a significant part of your life to this significant other and likely invested and spent much of your time with them. You don’t need to cut them off completely, do you?
Actually yes. You should cut them off completely if you want to heal your heart and move forward in a healthy manner.
Keeping in contact with someone post breakup can get messy. One text message can turn into a phone call. One phone call can turn into plans to meet up and ‘talk things through.’ Next thing you know, you’re more confused than ever and wondering if the breakup really was the right thing for you.
Staying connected to your ex can intensify the hurt feelings from the breakup, and ultimately prolong your healing.
Related: 6 Reasons Why You Still Haven’t Gotten Over Your Ex
This is where the no-contact rule comes into play. It’s the opportunity for a clean break.
The no-contact rule is when all ties to your ex are intentionally and completely severed. No texting. No phone calls. No social media stalking. And definitely no meeting up, no matter how ‘casual’ you intend it to be.
While it can sound somewhat intense, a lot of relationship experts would agree this is the best method for healthily moving on from a breakup.
How the No-Contact Rule Helps You Move On
The no-contact rule helps you to move on by shifting the focus from your ex (and the breakup) back to yourself. It eliminates your ex from the entire picture so that you can make time for you to process your grief and focus on healing.
Additionally, when there is no contact between you and your ex, the boundaries are well-defined and the intentions remain clear. You broke up because you knew it was best for your life and your own well-being. Why cloud those intentions (and make the breakup harder) by continuing to see them?
How Long Should the No-Contact Rule Last?
This can vary, but as a general rule of thumb, the no-contact rule should last for at least 60 days.
This amount of time allows you to reset your life and your routines, and gives you the opportunity to form new habits that no longer include your ex.
This is all easier said than done, however. To learn how to effectively use the no-contact rule, keep reading.
9 Tips on How to Use the No-Contact Rule
- Don’t suppress your emotions. While it may be tempting to swallow your emotions and keep going about as though everything’s okay, don’t. When you break up with someone, you’re essentially grieving the loss of that person and the loss of your previous life with them. Things aren’t going to be the same, and that’s okay. Reflect on that loss. You may be sad, angry, melancholy, or just feel empty. Give yourself time to experience that entire spectrum of emotions. Allowing yourself to feel all these emotions is the only way you’re going to process them and move forward.
- Remember the reasons why it didn’t work. Normally I’m all for an optimistic approach in life and focusing on the positives, but forget that for the time being. Right now, you need to focus on the negatives and all the ways your partner hurt you. This may sound like a unconstructive approach at first, but believe me, this is how you protect and heal your heart after a breakup during the no-contact period. If helpful, make a list of all the hurtful things they said or did to you. When you’re tempted to reach out to them, even just a ‘quick text,’ pull out that list and remember what you’re not missing out on.
- Reevaluate what matters most to you in a relationship. While the no-contact rule is in full effect, this is the perfect time for you to reevaluate what you value in a relationship. Maybe this last relationship highlighted how much you value honesty or transparency. Or perhaps this last relationship showed you the importance of trust between you and your partner. Take note of these nonnegotiable values.
- Keep your social calendar full. It’s all too easy to isolate yourself completely after a breakup, but resist the urge to withdraw. Lean on your friends and make plans with them. Your friends are not only the best distraction right now, but they can also hold you accountable during this no-contact period.
- Set new goals. While you were in your previous relationship, undoubtedly you had a few shared goals with your partner. Perhaps it was to take a trip with them next summer, or to be adventurous and try out more restaurants together. Now is the time though to make new goals for yourself. Maybe you want to read more books. Or maybe you want to take that pottery class with a friend. Maybe you just want to become more self-reliant and pick up a self-help book to do just that. Write down your goals and keep them handy so you can check in with them often.
- Keep your days structured. While you’re definitely allowed the occasional late night date with your tub of ice cream, do your best to keep your days structured. Make time to exercise, to eat healthy and nutritious food, to get quality sleep, and to see your friends and family. Write it all down in your planner and stick to it.
- Refresh your environment. After a breakup, and definitely during the no-contact period, the last thing you need to see is your favorite picture of you and your ex on your nightstand, or the card from them that sits propped up on your desk. Take this time as an opportunity to refresh your environment and surroundings. The less you’re reminded of your ex, the less likely you are to want to break the no-contact rule.
- Make new plans. If there’s somewhere you’ve been putting off going, or something you’ve always wanted to do, now is the time to do it. Maybe you’ve been wanting to plan a girls weekend somewhere. Or perhaps you’ve been wanting to go back to school. Whatever you’ve been thinking of doing, make the plans now to do them. With all the extra time you have in your schedule for yourself, plan something that excites and inspires you.
- Embrace self-care. Breakups are tough, but they do have a silver lining. Reward yourself for not breaking the no-contact rule by making the time to take care of yourself. Rent a movie to watch with a friend over popcorn. Buy that face mask you’ve been eying. Enroll in that yoga class you’ve been wondering about. Basically, make this time all about you and do activities that you find both inspiring and healing.
For more advice on how to use the no-contact rule to get over your ex, check out this article.
