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How Insecurities Affect Relationships
If you think your own insecurities in a relationship affect only you and not your partner, think again.
Insecurities are one of the fastest, most destructive ways to kill a relationship, and can potentially cause irreversible damage.
Think about it. When one partner consistently struggles with insecurities, it can lead to a vicious cycle of doubt, trust issues, suspicion, criticism, and neediness that will suck the life (and love, potentially) out of a relationship.
Do any of these sentiments sound familiar to you?
- You need to know where your partner is at all times.
- You’re concerned that they’re more interested in others, and worry that they’ll leave you.
- You feel the urge to incessantly check up on them (e.g., call them at work, look at their phone, email, etc.).
- You consistently need their reassurance that they love and need you.
When one partner feels this way in a relationship, the other partner is pressured to constantly reassure the other of their love and loyalty, which can be emotionally exhausting. This creates an imbalanced relationship where one of the partner’s needs takes precedence over the other’s. Such sentiments can actually push the other partner away if these emotions aren’t checked.
What is Insecurity in a Relationship?
Insecurity is what one experiences when they feel inadequate in some way, or feels threatened.
At some point or another, all of us have felt insecure. Maybe you always felt like the oddball in your family, or that you never exactly “fit in” at school with everyone else.
Such feelings of self-doubt are normal to an extent, but experiencing chronic insecurities can be particularly harmful to your relationships with others. Insecurity in a relationship takes away your self-confidence and the ability to connect with your partner in a way that is both relaxed and true to who you are.
Insecurities an also lead to severe trust issues between partners, and the behaviors that are associated with such insecurities, such as feeling needy, clingy, jealousy, spiteful, accusatory, and suspicious are all reflections of diminished trust and security in the relationship.
Partners that feel insecure in a relationship often blame their feelings and behaviors on their partner, and may believe that it was something that their partner did or said (e.g., they talked to another attractive woman) that made them act that way.
However, such behaviors and feelings are most often a reflection of one’s own insecurities.
Insecurities are a result of many factors. While they can start as early as childhood, they can become a permanent feature of our lives when we keep building upon them as we grow. For example, we may be extremely hard on ourselves by negatively comparing ourselves to others constantly, and always thinking that we’re just “not good enough” for someone else. Such thoughts though are completely irrational and based largely on our fears and anxieties.
Many of us also feel unworthy of love. Maybe you had a toxic relationship before where your partner didn’t treat us well. Maybe you’ve always struggled with your self-confidence and have low self-esteem.
Everyone struggles with insecurities at some point, but not everyone knows how to let go of them. Read on to learn how you can finally let go of your own insecurities, and start enjoying a happier, healthier relationship.
How to Overcome Insecurities in a Relationship
1. Stop the story in your mind when you feel insecure. You know how your mind becomes a frenzy of thoughts when you feel threatened? Is my boyfriend looking at that woman over there? Omg she’s so much prettier than me. I’ll never be that thin. Why can’t I look like that? He needs to stop looking at her…Stop that train wreck of thoughts NOW. Your inner dialogue is constantly chattering away, and only you have the power to stop those negative thoughts. Replace your negative thoughts with positive affirmations instead.
2. Remember: it’s not all about you. When you hyper focus on your insecurities, all the attention immediately shifts to you as you start needing more and more reassurance from your partner that they still love and accept you. Think about how your partner is feeling, though. Shift the focus away from you to them, and think about what they need. When you deflect the light away from yourself and your own needs, you won’t feel as insecure.
3. Keep your independence. Insecurity in a relationship often translates to an unhealthy level of overdependence on your partner. Maintain your independence by taking care of yourself, rather than over relying on them. Does the car need to be washed? Do it yourself. Have you been wanting a massage lately? Treat yo self. Have you been feeling overly anxious lately? Sign up for a yoga and meditation class.
4. Stop comparing yourself (and your relationship) to others. This is easier said than done, but stop comparing yourself to others. Such behavior is crippling to your confidence and self-esteem, and guess what? It only exacerbates your insecurities.
5. Resist the urge to talk to your friends about your insecurities. Resist the urge to talk to your friends about your insecurities in your relationship. It will only exacerbate matters further, trust me. Paranoia is contagious, and if your friends decide that your partner is at fault, it will only lead to broken trust between you and your partner.
6. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. No matter how insecure or upset you may get, don’t act out. Your emotions come and go, and if you can calm yourself and your emotions, you won’t let those insecurities win.
7. Don’t let your relationship rule your life. A common mistake many people make when they struggle with insecurities is to obsess over their relationship and let it rule their life. A relationship, while important, is only a part of your life. Keep up with your other interests and social life. See your friends. Spend time with family. Go hiking on the weekend. You shouldn’t sacrifice everything in your life for your relationship.
8. Reassure yourself. You don’t need to have constant reassurance from your partner that everything’s ok and that they still love you. Instead, reassure yourself and talk yourself through those irrational thoughts. Remind yourself of why you both started this relationship together in the first place. Your partner already loves and accepts you for who you are, otherwise they wouldn’t be in this relationship with you. Counteract your insecurities by loving and accepting yourself for who you are, flaws and all.
