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When You Expect Too Much From Others

As a fiercely loyal and often over accommodating person, there is nothing I wouldn’t do for a friend or someone I cared about to help them out.

Unfortunately, this often leads me to feel bitterly disappointed when I find that others aren’t always as eager to reciprocate, or even help out to a limited extent.

When this happens, and before I can stop myself, I hear my inner dialogue ranting:

They clearly don’t care as much as I do about this relationship.

I’m always bending over backwards to help them out and yet they can’t ever do the same.

How they’re treating me is so unfair.

Why do I even try so hard to help others when they can never help me?

Any of this sound familiar to you? While I don’t think anyone should waste their time on people that take advantage of their kindness, there is a definite line between expecting too much from others and being taken advantage of by others.

Here’s an example.

One of my closer friends is awful at returning calls and texts. I’ll shoot her a text early in the week asking, “Hey. Want to catch up this weekend?” The day will pass. And another. And another. And another.

So I shoot a follow-up text, “Want to hang out this weekend?” Later that night I can usually expect a response, but I would say that about 30% of the time, I still won’t hear from her.

Then my inner dialogue goes off again:

Ugh. Again? This always happens!

She just doesn’t want to talk to you.

Stop trying so hard to be a good friend. She clearly doesn’t care.

And try as I might, I can’t help but give in to this little voice that tries to convince me that my friend doesn’t care about seeing me, that she doesn’t appreciate our friendship, and that I should stop trying so hard.

When this happens, I tend to forget the truth about the situation:

• She has a family.
• She’s working an extremely demanding job.
• She’s often on the go.
• And she’s just stretched too thin.

That’s the thing about expecting too much from others. When you expect too much from them, you’ll always be disappointed. And when you’re always disappointed, you expect the worst in people.

“Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.”

Conversely, when you’re able to check your expectations of others and manage them effectively, you’ll find that you’re never, or very rarely, disappointed in them. It all comes down to being both understanding and empathetic, and knowing how to stop expecting so much from others.

Here’s another example. I have several siblings, but I’m probably the closest with my sister that is closest to me in age. She’s had a couple of kids at this point, and her life has gotten pretty chaotic with the demands of both working and being a mommy.

A lot of the time when I call her up to talk, she’s definitely distracted. I can hear kids screaming in the background, pots banging, things falling, and what sounds like an avalanche occurring. My sister usually has to get off the phone just minutes after I’ve called, always promising to call me back “later.”

The thing is, I know that more often than not she won’t call me back later as she said she would. She’s just too busy, and that’s ok. I know what I can and cannot expect of her, and a phone call back (especially in the evenings around dinner and bath time) is sometimes just too much.

We live our lives based on expectations, and many of them are flat-out unrealistic. It isn’t until we reach a point of too many disappointments that we realize that perhaps it’s time that we change something about ourselves, and finally stop expecting so much from others.

Living life from one disappointment to the next is no life at all, and getting rid of that constant disappointment really comes down to you making the decision to stop setting such high expectations of others.

Letting go of our expectations is easier said than done, though. However, if you can learn how to stop expecting so much from others, I can guarantee that you will experience more rewarding relationships with all who are important to you. Furthermore, your relationships will be based more on gratitude and appreciation, rather than false hopes and unrealistic expectations.

Want to learn how to stop expecting so much from others? Read on to learn how you can better manage your expectations of others.

How to Stop Expecting So Much From Others

1. Don’t depend on others for your happiness. Happiness is something that comes from within, and if you always rely on external sources (like your friends) to make you happy, you’ll always be disappointed. Do what makes you happy, rather than looking to others to bring you happiness.

2. See good deeds as karma, rather than transactions. If we are to truly let go of our expectations, we need to stop expecting exact reciprocity from others. Rather than seeing your acts as purely transactional, look at your good deeds as karma. You’re putting good vibes out into the world, and not just out to your friends. Ultimately, those good deeds will come back to you and bring you more good karma.

3. Accept that no one is perfect, including you. We often tend to idealize people and situations, and our expectations frequently fuel these ideas that we have. In our perfect, idealized world, we expect others to always follow through on our expectations of them. However, such expectations are completely unrealistic. Humans are imperfect, and their behaviors are reflections of that. Such expectations are simply impractical and unattainable.

4. Remember that everyone else has their own set of expectations.  Just as you have expectations of others, they have expectations of you.  And sometimes, they don’t exactly match up very well.  Keep in mind that what you expect of others will be different from what they expect of you, which can potentially lead to misunderstandings.

5. Expect less from others, and more from yourself. Rather than expecting so much from others, shift the expectations to yourself. You don’t have to depend on others to bring you happiness. Seek self-fulfillment and work towards your own goals. Stop looking to others to do for you what you can do for yourself.

6. Stop trying to please everyone. No matter how hard you try, you’ll never please everyone and it’s pointless to keep trying. You don’t have to keep giving more and more of yourself when someone doesn’t appreciate you or your efforts. When people don’t appreciate your kindness, or disrespect who you are, try to remove the expectations you hold for yourself, rather than just for them. It isn’t your responsibility to take care of everyone, and you shouldn’t waste your kindness on those that disrespect you.

7. Be grateful for what you already have. Gratitude may be the single greatest source of happiness and inner peace. The thing about expectations though, is that they aren’t real. And yet we place all our hopes and dreams in them, and expect others to deliver on those false hopes and dreams. Gratitude, on the other hand, shows thanks for what we already have, and doesn’t need anything else to be satisfied. Count your blessings rather than your expectations, and you’ll never have to expect anything from anyone to be truly happy.

Need more help learning how to manage your expectations? Check out this article.